From the House Part deux

Hello! How are you this fine Wednesday morning?
I'm just this side of exhausted, but I just finished another cup of coffee a minute ago, so I'm hanging in there.
I thought that I would tell you about another of the residents, here.
There is an older gentleman who lives here named "Mick". Mick is a serious person and very intense. He never jokes (just ask him and he'll tell you, loudly). Mick also is narcissistic as all get out. EVERYTHING is about him. I guess we are all SO incredibly interested in all things Mick that he graciously fills us in on Mick trivia throughout the day: "I am not a criminal" "I have never been on a matress with a male or a female!" "I never finished school, I only got to the 9th grade" "In one year I had 24 different jobs." And it's not in a conversational tone, like, say "Rainman". It's BELLOWED across any great (or small, really) span that has any living person on the other side of it. Mick really just seems to enjoy the sound of his own voice more than anyone I can think of. 
 When his staff person takes him out to the store to do his personal shopping, even though the staff person is clearly nowhere near as old as Mick, or in any other way related to him, Mick often finds it necessary to yell across the store "You are not my wife!"
 Last week, while on the way home, the staff person was going 40-ish on a 35 mile an hour road and Mick called the police and reported that she was trying to kill him. Reckless endangerment!  
Mick has something wrong with one of his eyes, so that it's kind of looking slightly away fromthe other one. An accident, I think, caused this. Anyway, to hear him tell it, THE EYE (often it is pointed at and addressed as if it were a seperate entity-heck, maybe it is) is the reason for most of the things that happen to Mick. Note that it's not a matter of consequences of his own actions. No, no, no. Mick is absolutely a victim here. His brother, who is the legal guardian of Mick's affairs (I can just hear him now VEHEMENTLY denying EVER having had "ANY kind of affair with a man or a woman"), also supposedly abuses Mick. I'm not exactly sure how this abuse happens, but Mick is one who never forgets an imagined slight. Mick is clearly disturbed. At the moment, in fact, he is a temporary resident at the local "Stress Unit". (IE Psych Ward) It's unfortunate, because I have seen him at times actually being almost kind, completely polite, and even cracking a smile. (I think the last of those came when I surprised him with a carefully planned -very subtle-joke. It was fairly miraculous!)
It's not known at this point whether Mick will be returning to the house or going on to a safer environment (he often likes to berate the milder residents when they are careless enough to, say, sit inthe living room while he's home). If he doesn't return, I would just like to say that I enjoyed the Monopoly and Scrabble games, Mick. And I wish him (and his EYE) well.

Greetings from The House.

I'm sucking on my second delicious coffee since about 9 pm, and I thought this would be an excellent time to jot down some thoughts. Since I AM still employed at The House, I will give you some observations about some of the people I get to work (for) with. I want to preface that, though, with this statement:
Whenever there is a group of people living under the same roof, eating meals together, and kinda doing life together, they will tend to become like a family. Whether it's been a group of college kids sharing rent, or an intentional community, it would seem to be the way things are. This is not a good thing nor a bad thing. Maybe it's better than it is worse, I don't know. But as I have been allowed to watch and learn from the folks here at The House, I can see that it is even more apparent that we need each other. Us. Humans. I'm glad, today, that God created us for relationships.

In order to protect the innocent (or not so innocent) I will use ficticious names, here, of course. None of the names are of the actual residents.

Every one who lives in this place has some kind of schizo-affective disorder, (among other things) which is to say at any given moment, there's probably someone hearing things that aren't there. Lots of paraniod delusions, too, so we often have to assure our people that we are NOT poisoning them. (No comments about when I get to help cook, please. And thank you.)

I guess I'll start with my favorites, which are easily Bill and Jane.

Bill is about 50, a soft-spoken gentleman who is often paranoid, and prefers to let the person who cuts his hair, shave him. He will get a pretty good scruff going before he decides to go get "gussied up"- I like to tease him. I asked him last time if he was going to get a mani-pedi, too? He grinned at me, and said no. His grins start at his eyes and eventually spread over his whole face. 
Bill has paranoid schizophrenia, so every time he is in a vehicle we have to reassure him that "Yes, we will get there and back safe and alive." He grips the door and the cupholders while traveling.
One way we try to help him with this is to distract him while we're driving. Talking about the song on the radio is one way. Another is, when we go past the local "PNC" bank, we think of things the "PNC" might stand for. Bill thought of "Pretty Nice Chicks" once, and grinned. He clarified "I mean you know, like girls, chicks like girls." Pretty cute.
The first thing you notice about Bill, though, is the drool. He constantly drools. It's a side-effect of some of his medications, Unfortunately, it could give the impression that he's not too bright, but Bill is a smart guy. He told me that he studied architecture befoer he got sick, and checked out several books on blueprints at the library. I believe that he did. He's a smart cookie, under the mental illness.

Jane is tied for first place with Bill. She is also living with schizophrenia, almong other things. Jane talks about her thoughts falling out of her head all over the floor. She won't do to church because, as she explains it "what if I was thought-broadcasting and my thoughts flew out and hit, a Bishop, or the Minister, or something?" Jand is a delight. She is almost always smiling, and in a good mood. She comes off with some really random things, and she loves to go to the Dollar Store and buy stuff.
Jane goes to the Senior Center nearby and likes to hang out there. From what I hear, they fix lunch for them and also do a lot of crafts. Jane is a very crafty lady. Jane is about 65, but she wears her hair in a cute bob cut, and her mother still tries to boss her around. I guess some things are universal.

There are 6 other rooms here, but currently only 5 other occupants. We should be getting a "move-in" next week, which is sure to be interesting.

I love my job. I love being able to help people, I love being able to show them that I care, and helping them find solutions for their problems, even if it's the same solution, day after day. I will confide something to you, dear reader, but don't tell anyone. I feel lots of times, that I could easily have ended up in a place like this, where others get to tell you what to do, all day, and every day. Where not everyone recognises that you are a human, adult, and treats you with the respect and consideration that you deserve. I'm grateful that I have been able to get to this point with as sound a mind as I have.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm undercover. I'm really much closer to the residents here than anyone else needs to know.  ;)

Before I dash off...

Hi. I'm so ready to be able to sit down and tell you all that's been going on. The drama, the angst, the grace, the bullsh*t....You know, life. But, alas, I'm on my way out the door after a 13-hour day. I'm not sure when we're gonna have the luxury of the internet back at the homestead. I'll try to sneak out to the library tomorrow so I can fill you in a bit.
1. Still employed. Learning a LOT about "Lateral Hostility". Wow. and from a "Christian".
2. The boy's "dad" is recovering (still) from his liver transplant. So far, so good.
3. Thanks to the recent decision to give the child medication for the AHDH, he's doing GREAT at school. I'm very proud.

Gotta run. Love and hugs~
Abs

Catching up. A little.

It's been almost a month, and I have been SO very busy. You haven't been far from my heart, dear friends.
I have gotten through the official training phase for the awesome job, and now I am working on getting "the hang of it". I had to let my (ADD) secret out, after forgetting some fairly important things more than once. :C But, in the end, it has worked out, like always. I feel somewhat secure for the time being, because the new work schedule is out and MY NAME IS ALL OVER IT! lol
When we have internet at home, again, (not enough $ coming in took it's toll, as I know you can dig)I'll be able to fill you in a bit more.
With great sorrow I have to tell you that the Homeschooling has had to be put off...starting a new job and fighting with the boy to DO any schooling, has resulted in him going back to the evil public school. Yes, it's going to be a challenge for me to be pleasant in dealing with them.
They are currently "trying to get" an evaluation for him, through their OWN Psychiatrist. I don't know why, but our Dr.'s assessment laast year, of which they HAVE a note, will not suffice now. Yeah. So it will be up to 2 months before they can "decide" whether or not they will treat his learning disability for what it is.
I, in the meantime, have been looking into the legal aspects. Human nature is to take the path of least resistance, right? I am preparing to convince the school that THEIR best bet is to do what they are REQUIRED to. The boy's self-esteem took a beating last year, EVERY friggin' day, and that's not going to happen again. God help me.
The Big Guy is still working at the little diner, here in town, and getting to know most everyone in Edintucky. He's happy cooking, and I love that the little old ladies ask for him by name. (Who'd a thunk it?)
So, this evening I will be working to keep the nighttime safe for my residents. I'm going home when I finish this and will soon be napping, I hope. Got the coffee maker all prepared for a giant cuppa joe to take with me. (French vanilla/regular blend is nice.)
I've been feeling kind of isolated of late, but I know for sure that change is inevitable. At least with the job I am sure to interact with a few humans, there. By the way, staff is at least as much of a challenge (to work with) as the residents. But God's on my side. :)
Oh, and the Boy's "dad" had a liver transplant a couple of weeks ago and seems to be recovering well. I want to let myself hope that he will take this new life that he's been afforded, graciously, and use it...to, oh, I don't know, maybe PARTICIPATE in life. Namely, his boy's life. It would be wonderful if we weren't forever trying to un-do the insanity and stupidity that he teaches the boy on the weekends. (Yes, I think that about covers it. He is insane and...you get the picture.)

I'm looking for a cheap dehydrater, if you should know of anyone with a spare.

Is it Fall yet?!

Whew. It's literally sweltering here, if that's possible. By 8 am it was close to 90 degrees and it's only gotten hotter as the day's progressed. But enough about me. Let's talk about ME.

True!!

I got the job!! I think I might be done with all of the gastro-intestinal distress I'd been having since interviewing, but it's too soon to be sure. (The Big Guy teased me about it being morning sickness. SUCH a comedian!)
Yesterday morning I got to "Shadow" a lady at the Transitional Home where I'll be working. It was fun, and I loved it. It seems odd to say that about something called "WORK", but I surely did feel like I was finally home. The residents were all pretty well-behaved, and the staff was all friendly as well. I heard that Monday had been an exciting and active day, but -maybe because "Tom" took his night-time pill in the morning-yesterday it was all good.
One of the ladies "Lulu", we'll call her, has been in a hospitalized setting for her entire adult life, and yesterday she was working on her plan to move into a 1-bedroom apartment. This is HUGE for her. I'm anxious to get to know everyone, and just from a few hours there, I'm already sure it will be a great thing. We took everyone but Lulu to the library (she was going to the Dollar Store, I think), and stopped on the way back for a Polar Pop. What a treat! :) One of the gentlemen regailed me with tales-more factoids, really-of New York City, New York State, and the many places he'd worked and also some about the weather in New York-not City, but State. I guess I asked for it by responding to his naming the song title of the music playing in the van. :) Then there was "Bill", who was looking sharp in his overalls and a constant line of saliva flowing off his lower lip.
I'm excited about having a place to go and make a difference. Funny that this came (1) so soon after helping my friend to get his feet back under him, and (2) after I'd finally concluded that I am making a difference in those I live with. I guess my confidence in THAT arena has been shaken, so I hoped to find somewhere else I could be a blessing. I know that this job will help me to be a better parent, again, as I will be practicing the communication and behavioral skills at work that'll help a lot at home.
Speaking of home, my youngest goes to his "dad's" for one more week and then it's back to 2 days a week ONLY. THANK GOD. We truly spend half of each week over the summer, after the boy comes back home, trying to get him to let go of the things he learns by watching the person he's with, there.
Crazy can certainly be learned, and we're fighting an uphill battle, to help him unlearn it once he gets home.
So, if you're a praying person, please keep us in your prayers. God's got this, I know, but we can't have too much help.
Ta ta for now.
 

To everything there is a season...

Hi. How are ya? I'm good. Better, even! :)
A couple of weeks ago I got a text from a friend who's been kind of out of touch for a while. Shane is one of those people who, as soon as we got to know a little about one another, we just clicked. He's had a place in my heart, like a brother. Another thing about Shane, is that he's got D.I.D.
So, when I got the text from him that day, it was a surprise. I didn't know what he'd been up to of late, but the last time I saw him in February (or March?), he looked bad. and. was. miserable. I hated to leave him that day but I know that if a person doesn't want help...I just reassured him that he's not  bad person because of making some not-so-great choices, and that when he wanted help to let me know.
He texted me 2 weeks ago today, and the Big Guy and I met him at the closest E.R....they transferred him to a hospital that was able to provide him the DD (Dual Diagnosed) help he needed. After a week there, he was in much better shape and we thought there was a place for him to go for some extended treatment. Turns out they were not prepared to have him there, but thank God someone suggested a place not too far away that did have a place for Shane. Between times, we got to have Shane say with us for 5 days.
I love helping people who are ready to do what they need to, and he's one of those. It was even more cramped than usual in our tiny little apartment, to be sure. But as unexpected guests go, it was really nice having him camp out for a while. The little one (E) was thrilled to have someone to play video games with, and the Big Guy and I were just glad to have our friend clean and safe again. At the first place, Shane was able to get on the medications that help him to handle to complexities of being him.
Big Guy & I each enjoyed having another Believer to share our thoughts with, and Shane even got to go to church with us Wednesday. Our Pastor has been a great help in this process, and God has obviously been working all along the way.
We don't know what's going to happen when Shane is done at the place he's staying now, nor do we know how long he will get to stay. One thing I know is that God will keep up His end of the deal (Being God and loving us), and we'll keep seeking His face.
Life is full of surprises, that's for sure. Today I got a call from a local Behavioral Health place that I applied for probably a year ago, to interview on Thursday. And tomorrow I'm hoping to see one of my best friends ever, who I only get to see once or twice a year.
So...tomorrow's another day. God is good all the time.

(Here's some more info, from psychcentral.net)

Dissociative Identity Disorder Symptoms

By PSYCH CENTRAL STAFF

Also Known as Multiple Personality Disorder
The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).
At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person’s behavior.
Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures). Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

• What is Dissociation? Do people really have multiple personalities?
• The Differences Between Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder
• General Treatment Guidelines for Multiple Personality Disorder
• Read more about Multiple Personality Disorder from Enpsychlopedia

The Boys Next Door - Norman And Sheila's Date

Here's a peek at the second movie I saw, recently. I almost lose my hope in ever finding movies that I'll feel-deeply-better after seeing. Then, I go and pick out a couple by myself, and praise God I hit pay-dirt TWICE.
This one is lighter than the other, overall, but also has it's moments that are hard to watch. The cast is GREAT and you will laugh until you cry. And you might just cry, too. Here's a clip, but you really oughta see the movie. This is only a tiny bit of it's goodness.

I don't really have a standard to compare my mental status with, now do I?

Hiya, gang! I'm checking in to let you know that I've NOT forgotten you! No, not even a little bit! The nice dr. that I saw a couple of days ago tells me that on the 20th of last month (March, if you're keeping track), I had a kind of a stroke. "TIA" I think is what they call it. ("TAI"?) What this means to you, dear reader, is that I've not been able to get enough function back in my left hand (YET) to be able to justify the time it takes to type a little. After 3 weeks, though, other than typing, I've gotten most of the use of it back. If I'm verrrry careful and go verry slowly, I can even write again. (VERRRRY) It took about a week to be able to wash my own hair, about 2 weeks to tie my shoes, and now it's all pretty good except for the fine motor stuff. Doc says it's good that I've begun taking fish oil (for Brain repair), and, being me, I'm thinking I probly shoulda been gulping those suckers down a LONG time ago. lol
Anyway, I did the speech-to-text tutorial this morning on the laptop, and I'm hoping to be able to start blogging again on a semi-regular basis, soon.
I have a whole new understanding of why old people are SO FREAKIN' SLOW!! Jeez. I guess I was due for another couple of  lessons in patience & acceptance.
So, that's the latest. As usual, my Big Guy has been my rock and a big helper ;) through out. (Only lost a FEW chunks of hair when he helped me wash it! lol) I'm pretty sure I'm not a great patient, and I appreciate him more every day.
Oh, and it's worth mentioning that the good Dr. said I need to quit the b.c. pills now, and start taking aspirin on a regular basis. Not so sure the un-hormonally-balanced me is gonna be very good for ANY of us, but....we'll see. I'm taking orders from my superiors, today.
Here's a thought for you, just in case you're curious about how things are, in a little more detail, in Wonderland: The next time you're in the bathroom, try wiping with your OTHER hand. Not feeling that brave? Ok, then just brush your teeth with the "wrong" hand. Yeah, fun, huh? So, it's been a challenge, but nothing God's not been right beside me, for the whole ordeal. THANK God for a sense of humor. : D
Love and clumsy hugs

Clean and crazy...making amends

Recently I was over at my Mom's, cutting the eldest boys' hair. He decided to take this semester off of school, and so he's moved back in with her. Hopefully this will work out well for everyone.
So, in the process of hair-cutting, we got to talking about the band that he had playing in the other room, and he reminded me of an incident we had a few years back, where I destroyed a bunch of his cds. I had no recollection of this incident, as well as another involving some reading material of his, in which I threw a bunch of books away as well. I had NO memory of these things. That really bothered me.
I guess I'd had black-out rages before, but primarily they were limited to alcoholic blackouts. (It seems appropriate to mention now that my children have never seen me under the influence of anything mind-altering.) That being the case, it hurt me SO MUCH to think of how I railed and ranted against/on him. The only thing I remember from around that period, as far as my insanity/acting out, is a time when I had my boy pinned in a corner with my body, daring him to hit me, and using everything in me not to hit him. To his credit, he was never abusive to me. It was soon after that (those, I guess) incident that he went to live with my Mom.

Hearing about my behavior back then, even Clean and Sober, really shook me to the core. All I could think to say at the time he was telling me (Not to be hurtful, just saying what he remembered), was "I was really under a lot of stress then." And it was continual, and constant, for the 6 or 7 years we lived in "Crack Cental". The spirit of oppression in those apartments was really almost tangible. I guess that will have to go down in my life as one of the lowest points. I don't know if I was on medication at that time or not, but I guess that would be a reason for the extent of the outbursts, if I was not.
So, after I finished the haircut, I went home and cried and cried and cried. I sent my son a text saying that I did not remember those things and that I am SO very sorry for behaving that way. Of course he said "it's fine", but it's NOT. Knowing how his "dad" has emotionally abused him, and how the depression had kicked his butt (as a result of dad's bullying, I suspect), I KNEW that he didn't need an abusive, insane Mom. I told him that now I know why there's been such a separation between he & I, and that he was protecting himself from me, and I said that he was smart for that. A friend said that it could have been worse, etc., trying to comfort me, I guess, but I don't receive that. "At least I didn't" is a typical cop-out for people who aren't really trying to move forward. I mean, I know it's true, that it could have been MUCH worse, but that really doesn't make me feel any better. Wow.
I hope there won't be too many more revelations like this, but in the spirit of opening communication and working toward a mother-son relationship again, I'll ask, and he'll have opportunities to tell me what I did.
The feeling that comes back to me about those times, is that I was being JUST like my DAD. I have PTSD that was begun as a little child, as a result of my Dad's "parenting". My God, is that what I had become?
I knew that when we moved into that place, it was either there or a shelter, and it was the lesser of the two evils. I guess it was a rock & a hard place, but I couldn't have known the toll it would take on us.
I've had big regrets, from what I DID remember, but now I'll have more work to do. To find a way to stop hating myself, to forgive myself...to re-build a loving relationship with my now 20-year-old son. Guess I'd better get some step-work done.
Days like these send me running to the Mercy Seat.

He loves the Unlovable


 

So, how's your week been?

Taking a kind of inventory

Hiya! I've been up since 7 am this morning, which is unusual for someone who loves sleep as much as I. Why? you may ask. Well, I woke up early this morning because we are going to go to the FARRRRR North side today, to see my eldest son on his 20th birthday. I woke up feeling like it was Christmas, because (I assume) it's been forever since I've seen him.
My Mom asked me to stop by her place on the way up, to get some things she wants him to have (food, primarily, I'm betting), so after Walmart & Mom's, we'll be on our way.

                                 WARNING: RANT AHEAD...WATCH FOR FALLING GRIPES!

My younger son is even more excited to see his brother than I am, if that's possible, and has been "Heytel"-ing with him this morning. (I guess it's like texting but you make short little recordings to send.) His voice sounds like he's either sick or sleep-deprived, which is how he rolls. It makes me sad to think of how much he's NOT taking care of  himself. I know this due to how he's looked and acted the last dew times I've seen him, and also b/c he had a short hospital stay a couple of months ago, likely because he exists on energy drinks, excessive amounts of violent video games, and very little sleep. Couple this with a congenital heart defect, and it really concerns me. (No, it's not like that. It's so far beyond the typical "hole in the heart" that I can't even explain it to you. Suffice it to say that the Dr.s literally used videos of his heart surgeries [open twice, closed once, so far] to teach at the Medical school attached to the Children's hospital. His Dr. was the HEAD of Pediatric Cardiology. I'm not sure why, but to this day it really irks me when anyone says "Oh, my ____ has heart problems too. It is a hole? Or a murmer?" I should probably talk to my counselor about it. I really want to yell NO HE HAS A REAL PROBLEM!!!! Not this mamby pamby everybody's-got-it crap!!
I'm not sure why that upsets me so much. Maybe it's the crisis junkie in me that wants to be appreciated for the EXTREME trauma we've lived through. More than once.

                                This concludes the rant. Please return to your regular reading.

Anyway, I get to see my child today! I love him with more love than I ever thought possible. Is it increased because of the precariousness of the early years? I don't know. I think I'd fight for both of my boys with equal voracity. For many years, it felt like "You and Me Against the World". I'm making a collage of pictures for him, from tiny to current, and looking through them brought up too many emotions. Really. I've been feeling a lot of regret and guilt lately, which I suspect are heightened-as all things negative-b/c of the lack of proper meds. However, they are what they are, and I know that there has always been a certain amount of these feelings, and I'm pretty sure there always will be. Damn that selective recall.
So, here's a REAL personal blog post for ya. I'm gonna grab some coffee I go hug the snot out of my eldest. I hope I don't cry too much but I really think that's asking way too much.
Happy President's Day-no, really, Happy Ben's Birthday!!!

Benjamin & Mommy, circa 1993

Stigma of Being Branded Bad Parents - HealthyPlace

Wonder if this is what Little Bit's teachers will be talking about now, since our meeting last week.

Stigma of Being Branded Bad Parents - HealthyPlace

My experience, strength (?) and hope...

Ok, while I'm thinking about the insurance headaches, the medical professionals' (Occasional overall, I suppose, but WAY too often in my experience) condescension and overall suspicions of anyone who  *USED TO* abuse drugs. And, for the record, can I just mention that if I wanted to get ahold of drugs, I'd surely not be stupid enough to admit UP FRONT that I used to have a problem, now would I? AND while I'm venting, I never wanted LEGAL drugs, ANYWAY!!
Where was I? Oh, Insurance.
I'm quite certain that they give you a nonfunctional/wrong phone number and BROKEN website URL, in the hopes that you'll DIE before you find a way to get ahold of them. I've thought about this before, in dealing with various Government departments, and I'm not even a little bit persuaded otherwise.
Call me crazy if you want, but I'm just biding my time before I can get the Hell outta Dodge. If you see me on fb, you probably know what I mean.

God bless you and I pray you have all the health and blessings that you can handle.  :)

So many "experts" so little time to smack them all...

Under the Influence of Drugs – I Can Think Just Fine

I’m on Twitter. Not a surprise there. And I have a pretty active following there. Most of the people are fans, but a few aren’t. A few quite disagree with me and what I have to say. Which is fine. People can have their views.

And recently, I was tweeting along, minding my own business when someone said this to me:

and have you been on antidepressant, mind altering drugs all these years. Making choices while under the influence

My first reflex was to reply,

and have you been making choices all this time while being an ignorant, sanctimonious ass?

Sigh.

But I’ve heard through the grapevine that wouldn’t be professional. So I said nothing. If Mr. Twitter wants to judge me for taking medically prescribed medication, that’s his right. Even if it is a small-minded, uncompassionate, hateful thing to do.

And really, I have snarky answers for many of the asinine comments people make to me. However, I don’t tend to share them as it makes people all pissy. That being said, this particular comment hit a sore spot – being under the influence of brain-bending medications.

Seeing the World through an Antidepressant Haze

The first drug I ever took was an antidepressant and I can tell you,I was terrified. I didn’t want to do it. Not at all. But I was desperate and on the verge of suicide so I chose to try anantidepressant.

And one of my biggest fears was of not knowing what “reality” was anymore. My fear was that I would never again be able to think like “me” and I would only ever be able to think like the drug, like an alcoholic or other drug addict does. I thought I would be just like them.

Drugs and Hazy Thoughts

And certainly, there have been many times when my thoughts were tainted with drugs. But I can say, without a doubt, that when you compare bipolar tainting my thoughts versus medication tainting my thoughts the bipolar is far more pervasive and destructive. I’m not a drug addict or anything like it. My tainted-thought worry was just my fear talking. (And reasonably so.)

This Is Your Brain on Drugs

And now I can honestly say, after being on almost every medication known to, well, me, that medication does not drown out or taint your thoughts when properly used. Yes, there is certainly a period of adjustment when you take a drug and you might feel “slow and stupid” during that time. And certainly, if it isn’t the right drug or the right dose for you, that feeling might continue. But this still does not change your thoughts, per se, and this is merely a side effect that can typically be resolved with medication adjustment.

In all, Mr. Twitter is simply using a scare tactic based on misinformation to make me feel bad about myself and my ability to think. But I will not feel bad and my ability to think runs circles around most people, thanks.  Yes, Mr. Twitter found my sore spot, but he, and my fears, can’t bruise me if I don’t let them. I have reality backing me and it’s more powerful than fear.

http://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/under-influence-drugs-can-think-fine/

A quote for you

Humpty Dumpty: "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."


Alice: "The question is, whether you can make words mean so many different things."


Humpty Dumpty: "The question is: which is to be master - that's all."



THERE's an interesting thought:
My words mean whatever I want them to mean.
When I'm talking to myself, that's a good thing, but in interacting with those around me, I suppose the trick is to be able to translate what I mean by it, into what the person(s) listening, will comprehend. Kinda like two languages.
I know that I had my first-hand experience in learning to speak the other's language (for survival purposes) was when I was about 22 years old. I was in a relationship with a "man" (I prefer to call him satan.) who turned out to be too many kinds of crazy for me to figure out, b/c at the time all I needed to know is that he was a liar, a prescription drug addict, a SOCIOPATH, and a female-beater. In order to communicate with him (when fists were not being used), I learned to listen to what he meant, and rather than respond as I felt, I had to tell him what he wanted to hear. In later years, a friend and I would joke about domestic abuse: "Oh, it's ok, honey, I understand, it's my fault....Why don't you just go lay down for a little bit...take a nap...(In Glenda the good witch's voice) go to sleeeep."  : )
It stil makes me smile and cringe at the same time.
And when I saw this quote in my inbox, it somehow reminded me of a kind of word game we used to play when I was a teenager. It consisted of using the word "F---" in sentences with as many DIFFERENT grammatical meanings as we could think of. Yeah, it probably doesn't sound quite as hilarious now as it was then, and I'll say that the reason might be that there were many varied chemicals floating around back in the day.  (DOH!) Which leads me to the question I ponder occasionally when I have free time:
Which came first; the mental illness, or the drugs? I know that I used many things to escape from the crowd inside of my head, but was it partially the Itty Bitty Committee that made it necessary to self-medicate? Or did the drugs help them to come forward?
What do you think?



                                           

Moving right along

Getting closer to being DONE with this last class....I've been learning so much, but I can't say a lot of it's from my textbook. O.o
If you enjoy all things psychiatric, as I do, then you need to find the Showtime series "United States of Tara". We actually don't have cable of any kind, but I found all 3 seasons (#4 is the current one, so...wonder how long till it's out?) at my local library. The primary subject of the show is a woman who has been living with D.I.D., and how she and her family deal with it.
THANKS, Barb, for the recommendation.
And, before I run back to the class-site, check it out: I got a SIGNATURE!! Woo Hoo!!

Day of rest...not so much.

Hello, there friends and fam. I had a good time at church this morning. Did you? I hope so. I concluded a while ago that if you don't feel better (not necessarily GOOD, but perhaps encouraged, challenged, validated, or just that you've learned something) after church, you're probably in the wrong one. For you, anyway.  So, today it was good. Our Pastor mentioned right at the beginning something about how the gospel isn't about US. We're so self-centered (humans, I mean) that Preachers figured out that they need to sell religion according to the "what's in it for me?" mentality....
Several folks asked where the Big Guy was (he'd opted for grabbing a little bit more sleep) and I told them he'd stayed in bed...yesterday afternoon, I got a text from him saying "First altercation. Only threw a guy over 2 tables, though." ? I asked for more info, and he replied "Someone FLEW over 2 tables for being a dumbass. Oopsie!" So, that made him feel a little better than he had been...anxiety meds aren't doing anything for him anymore... and how are you this bright afternoon?

Herbal remedies - what works and what doesn't?

Researchers from the Global Neuroscience Initiative Foundation, a non-profit organisation based in Los Angeles, have been reviewing research into nutritional supplements for treating anxiety. They pooled the results of 24 studies involving more than 200 participants. They found that extracts of passionflower and kava were effective as were L-lysine and L-arginine but that St John's Wort and magnesium supplements were not. There were no serious side effects from any of the herbal remedies.

I find this sort of thing very interesting. Aren't Naturopathic treatments where our modern medicine originated? Yet, the Medical professional community seems to be pretty much opposed to "natural" treatments. Hm?
 I tried "Sam-E" a while back for the depression and general malaise I felt, and it really did the trick for a while. I think the packaging said to stop taking it for a couple of weeks after taking the stuff for a month or so, so that's where they lost me. I can tolerate getting through the weeks of waiting for (antidepressant) meds to noticably take affect, but that's because after that, they're going to work for a long time, with only minor adjustments required. I don't know how it is for everone who deals with clinical depression, but I'm no good to anyone if I'm not actively pursuing the remedy. When I"ve taken myself off of the medication before, it's never been a good thing. So, I continue, because I owe it to my family to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, etc., that I am capable of being. And w/out treating the depression, I become a slug. What about you? What's the most noticeable symptoms for your mental health issues?

"Smart is the new Sexy"

So, I've been contemplating lately...Wonder if anyone's diagnosed the miscellaneous disorders that ARE "The Big Bang Theory"'s characters?
Also...is it cheesy to "follow" yourself? I accidentally did before, but got it fixed. The little one isn't home tonight, so I'm off to hang w/ a few of my peeps. Maybe I'll see you there? ; )
Till the next time...

Abbie

Thank God for Insurance!

This morning I took my Love to the hospital for some tests. On the way home he was talking about how nice it is to have some kind of insurance. We've gone for a long while w/o any-and not b/c we were the pictures of health, either- but it is really beautiful to get to see a Dr. not just a GP, when you NEED to.
When we first got it, I'd been off misc. mental health meds for a WHILE, and couldn't remember the last time I'd seen a Gyn. : (
Now, a few months after acquiting the blessed holy grail of insurance, I'm up on all needed meds, seen the Gyn, getting w/ a Counselor, and even had a thing taken off of somewhere. (No, it's not like THAT. Pig.) j/k
My kids have always had Medicaid, due to the eldest having serious genetic heart conditions, and generally b/c I've somehow managed to keep my head JUST above the water of dire poverty for a number of years now. Funny thing, if you're REALLY poor, you can get help in unbelievable ways. But if you're just poor enough to not be able to buy, oh Idk, food, or gas to get to work...then no one will help you.
As grateful as I am for various places that have helped us stay afloat, I gotta say that the "system" is really kinda whack.

Wonderful Land

Hello, friends!
It's Wednesday, and it's really quite grey outside. I sincerely hope it's not going to remain this way throughout the winter, but experience tells me that it's likely. Thank God for vitamin D. Among other things, I seem to deal with "Seasonal Affective Disorder". I've heard of people buying a sunlamp or something like that, to combat the s.a.d., but vitamin supplements are much more within my budget.
I'm so tickled that you're here!! I'm feeling SO MUCH MORE LIKE MYSELF, since the Dr. put me on some appropriate meds. I hate depending on all that to function at my best, but I suppose it is what it is. And today, I can accomplish much, even FINISH projects-no, really, I CAN! 
I've been creating coiled-paper crosses for Christmas presents, and yesterday for a change of pace, I fashioned a couple of little ornament/tags...I guess I'll have to get a picture & show you. I'm not entirely sure of my crafting abilities, but as logn as I keep in mind that PERFECTION is just NOT necessary-nor is it going to HAPPEN, EVER-I tend to do alright. 
I just remembered that I want to post a link here on fb. I'm hoping to get back to the library tomorrow and if I do, there will be pictures for you to admire (or scoff at, whichever you prefer). ;)
In the next week or so, I plan on getting a lot more things on here to look at and interact with; suggestions? 
ttfn!

P.S. Here's the little snowman thingy...kinda cute, huh?