"Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly." -Albert Einstein

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Clean and crazy...making amends

Recently I was over at my Mom's, cutting the eldest boys' hair. He decided to take this semester off of school, and so he's moved back in with her. Hopefully this will work out well for everyone.
So, in the process of hair-cutting, we got to talking about the band that he had playing in the other room, and he reminded me of an incident we had a few years back, where I destroyed a bunch of his cds. I had no recollection of this incident, as well as another involving some reading material of his, in which I threw a bunch of books away as well. I had NO memory of these things. That really bothered me.
I guess I'd had black-out rages before, but primarily they were limited to alcoholic blackouts. (It seems appropriate to mention now that my children have never seen me under the influence of anything mind-altering.) That being the case, it hurt me SO MUCH to think of how I railed and ranted against/on him. The only thing I remember from around that period, as far as my insanity/acting out, is a time when I had my boy pinned in a corner with my body, daring him to hit me, and using everything in me not to hit him. To his credit, he was never abusive to me. It was soon after that (those, I guess) incident that he went to live with my Mom.

Hearing about my behavior back then, even Clean and Sober, really shook me to the core. All I could think to say at the time he was telling me (Not to be hurtful, just saying what he remembered), was "I was really under a lot of stress then." And it was continual, and constant, for the 6 or 7 years we lived in "Crack Cental". The spirit of oppression in those apartments was really almost tangible. I guess that will have to go down in my life as one of the lowest points. I don't know if I was on medication at that time or not, but I guess that would be a reason for the extent of the outbursts, if I was not.
So, after I finished the haircut, I went home and cried and cried and cried. I sent my son a text saying that I did not remember those things and that I am SO very sorry for behaving that way. Of course he said "it's fine", but it's NOT. Knowing how his "dad" has emotionally abused him, and how the depression had kicked his butt (as a result of dad's bullying, I suspect), I KNEW that he didn't need an abusive, insane Mom. I told him that now I know why there's been such a separation between he & I, and that he was protecting himself from me, and I said that he was smart for that. A friend said that it could have been worse, etc., trying to comfort me, I guess, but I don't receive that. "At least I didn't" is a typical cop-out for people who aren't really trying to move forward. I mean, I know it's true, that it could have been MUCH worse, but that really doesn't make me feel any better. Wow.
I hope there won't be too many more revelations like this, but in the spirit of opening communication and working toward a mother-son relationship again, I'll ask, and he'll have opportunities to tell me what I did.
The feeling that comes back to me about those times, is that I was being JUST like my DAD. I have PTSD that was begun as a little child, as a result of my Dad's "parenting". My God, is that what I had become?
I knew that when we moved into that place, it was either there or a shelter, and it was the lesser of the two evils. I guess it was a rock & a hard place, but I couldn't have known the toll it would take on us.
I've had big regrets, from what I DID remember, but now I'll have more work to do. To find a way to stop hating myself, to forgive myself...to re-build a loving relationship with my now 20-year-old son. Guess I'd better get some step-work done.
Days like these send me running to the Mercy Seat.

He loves the Unlovable


So, how's your week been?

Monday, February 18, 2013

Taking a kind of inventory

Hiya! I've been up since 7 am this morning, which is unusual for someone who loves sleep as much as I. Why? you may ask. Well, I woke up early this morning because we are going to go to the FARRRRR North side today, to see my eldest son on his 20th birthday. I woke up feeling like it was Christmas, because (I assume) it's been forever since I've seen him.
My Mom asked me to stop by her place on the way up, to get some things she wants him to have (food, primarily, I'm betting), so after Walmart & Mom's, we'll be on our way.

                                 WARNING: RANT AHEAD...WATCH FOR FALLING GRIPES!

My younger son is even more excited to see his brother than I am, if that's possible, and has been "Heytel"-ing with him this morning. (I guess it's like texting but you make short little recordings to send.) His voice sounds like he's either sick or sleep-deprived, which is how he rolls. It makes me sad to think of how much he's NOT taking care of  himself. I know this due to how he's looked and acted the last dew times I've seen him, and also b/c he had a short hospital stay a couple of months ago, likely because he exists on energy drinks, excessive amounts of violent video games, and very little sleep. Couple this with a congenital heart defect, and it really concerns me. (No, it's not like that. It's so far beyond the typical "hole in the heart" that I can't even explain it to you. Suffice it to say that the Dr.s literally used videos of his heart surgeries [open twice, closed once, so far] to teach at the Medical school attached to the Children's hospital. His Dr. was the HEAD of Pediatric Cardiology. I'm not sure why, but to this day it really irks me when anyone says "Oh, my ____ has heart problems too. It is a hole? Or a murmer?" I should probably talk to my counselor about it. I really want to yell NO HE HAS A REAL PROBLEM!!!! Not this mamby pamby everybody's-got-it crap!!
I'm not sure why that upsets me so much. Maybe it's the crisis junkie in me that wants to be appreciated for the EXTREME trauma we've lived through. More than once.

                                This concludes the rant. Please return to your regular reading.

Anyway, I get to see my child today! I love him with more love than I ever thought possible. Is it increased because of the precariousness of the early years? I don't know. I think I'd fight for both of my boys with equal voracity. For many years, it felt like "You and Me Against the World". I'm making a collage of pictures for him, from tiny to current, and looking through them brought up too many emotions. Really. I've been feeling a lot of regret and guilt lately, which I suspect are heightened-as all things negative-b/c of the lack of proper meds. However, they are what they are, and I know that there has always been a certain amount of these feelings, and I'm pretty sure there always will be. Damn that selective recall.
So, here's a REAL personal blog post for ya. I'm gonna grab some coffee I go hug the snot out of my eldest. I hope I don't cry too much but I really think that's asking way too much.
Happy President's Day-no, really, Happy Ben's Birthday!!!

Benjamin & Mommy, circa 1993

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A thought...

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~ Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross

Taking a moment to say thanks...

It occurred to me, that I've not gotten much interaction from my "followers", and I know that if I want to see something happen, oftentimes *I* need to step up. 
So, I appreciate you!! I know that many of you have similar struggles to mine, and others have loved ones who have been or are in my shoes. I just hope that you get some useful info or encouragement from this blog. 
I've been slacking in posting personal stuff lately, b/c I'm running on about half of my usual meds, and it makes for an emotional situation... My Sweety says I'm quicker to point out the negative in any given circumstance, which I equate with sounding more like my Mom...(ugh) and that's something I DO NOT want to do.
I'd imagine that the majority of people in my position have played the "I don't really need to be taking X, Y or Z! I can handle this" game, and stopped taking the medications prescribed to them. I personally have done that several times over the years, and although it's not always been purposely (Insurance & pharmacology being what it is), it has always ended with me seeing the difference in how my kids respond to me, and realizing that I can do better for them. This last time I was med-free, I told the Big Guy that if it were just ME, I might just go w/o them, to see what happened. However, it's NOT just me, so part of my caring for my family entails finding the humility to follow directions, even MORE. 
As we are still on the edge of the insurance abyss (Do we have it? Do we not?), I'm feeling my way w/o what the Dr.s say is necessary for my peak performance. I guess I'm willing to do what they say, when I can, For the simple fact that I know it makes life easier for my kids and my sweetheart. 
Someday, who knows?
Anyway, I am so very grateful for you coming over and doing life with me. Please leave a comment so I know who you are. :)  

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My Perspective on Bullying

I was bullied in school. As the new kid, the skinny, girl, too tall, flat-chested, you name it; I got bullied. It's absolutely unacceptable, in any form, as far as I"m concerned. I bear the scars, still today, and I'm betting more than a couple of you do, too.

My Perspective on Bullying