Recovery Coach Training

So a few weeks ago I was in the first part of the ICAADA training to be a Peer Recovery Coach. I wanted to tell you about some of the highlights, especially yesterday's walk through the hall of shame. It felt like a viewing you might go to after someone dies. I have pictures to add, but they will have to be posted later.
The topic yesterday was "Stigma". We broke up into 3 groups and each group made a list on large pieces of newsprint paper of the words that come to mind when you think about:
Alcoholics
Drug Addicts
Mentally Ill
Recovery.
Each group made a pretty extensive list.
Then we hung the lists up together in the meeting room across the hall from the classroom. We were instructed to walk through the room, single-file, silently.
The entire class walked through the room in about 15 minutes' time, then returned to our seats, still silently, considering the things we'd just read.
I will add the posters when I am able.
I think I can safely say that most of us were in tears after this reminder of who we had been, for so long. Even with so much time, so many years, between myself and the days of drinking and drugging, it brought back many painful memories.
I 'd believed the lies for so long, and run so hard after the (non-existent) rewards smoke and mirrors of the party-girl/addicts' lifestyle.In that room, with 2 dozen of our peers, we confronted our collective demons.

 Now, before I continue, I feel that I should tell you that not ALL of these adjectives described me, completely. But, yes; most did.
We discussed what had just happened. We talked about the stigmas of addiction, alcoholism, and of mental illness, all of which were represented in our group. Most of us saw our former selves on more than one of the papers.
I can't recall what my peers said, but the feelings were all the same: guilt, shame, sorrow, self-loathing, to name a few.
What I shared afterward, was that it felt a lot like when I did my first 5th Step. Writing the inventory wasn't so hard, but letting someone else see the labels I'd carried around, was terrifying. I was deeply afraid that all the things I'd thought about myself, even before ever picking up, would be confirmed as true
.But what I said then, was that I'm a little bit less of that person, every day that I stay clean. I never want to be her, again.
I will be eternally grateful for the Trainers and my friends who went on that disturbing walk through the "Wall of Pain" with me. We learned, that week, how to better use our pains to help the addict/alcoholics that God will faithfully our paths.

Nominated for a Liebster! Woot Woot!!

”What is a Liebster award?”
You might ask.
 In short, it is an award that bloggers pass to one another to announce to the world the blogs they think are wonderful. When a blog is nominated for a Liebster there are some rules they are supposed to follow.
First, they must thank the blogger who nominated them.
Then they must answer 10 questions which the nominating blogger has asked.
Then they must nominate other blogs they feel are worthy.
They must then write 10 questions for their nominees to answer and must notify their nominees that they have been nominated.

Here are the questions I received:

1. What do you think about sheep?
I like them very much. I want to emulate them in a spiritual sense. But not in an intellectual sense.

2. Identify your most unloved possession.  A Mac laptop

How did you acquire this thing?* I got in online.

3. Why did you think you needed it?*Thought I'd be able to master it and get out from under the heavily-virused (among other downfalls) Windows Empire.

4. How did it disappoint you?* Not for an untreated ADD mind to successfully accomplish. At that moment.

5. What is your favorite gardening tool? Fresh dirt. :)

6. What got you started blogging? I've always known I had a story to tell, and when I discovered the blogosphere, it was a natural step for me. I've been published in a hardcopy magazine once upon a time, but I like this because it's so much more personal.

7. What is the best way to build community? I wish I knew. Having give-aways seems to work for some folks.

8. When was the last time you grew something and produced a yield? last summer I was finally successful at tending to a little porch-garden. The tomatoes we got from that were by far the tastiest things EVER.

9. Did you save seeds from your yield? No. I was given them as little baby plants...:( Now I wonder if I should have? )

10. The last time you entered the wilderness, what brought you there?** My soul needs to be in the wilderness. I feel only half alive while in the concrete jungle, even as small as our current resident city is. Bliss is found in the company of birds, bugs (not including spiders, of course) and the occasional wood nymph. It's easier for me to touch the Almighty Spirit when not surrounded by so much "civilization" chaos.


I look forward to reading all of your responses.  I'm glad you are part of the blogging community, especially my little community. Blog on!


*This question was shamelessly copied out of “The Pocket Muse: Endless Inspiration” by Monica Wood, Copyright 2006 **Adapted from a question in “The Pocket Muse” ibid

As painfully far apart as my opportunities to blog have been lately, I'll have to do this in increments.

Today, I answer the Q's.

 Next time I'll send out my nominations. :)

Thanks eversomuch, to my wonderful friend, Barb, Matron and HNIC of
Groundwell Farm.

www.GroundwellFarm.com

It's a mad mad mad mad world. And the inmates are running the asylum. *NEWS FLASH*

Don't watch this if you'd rather be surprised...

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world....

Troops Ordered To Kill All Americans Who Do Not Turn In Guns
Watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyfkQkchlu4 Published on Jul 16, 2012
Please spread the Word.

The UN Arms Trade Treaty that has been identified by observers as a flagrant threat to the second amendment and which Barack Obama is determined to sign has its roots in a 1961 State Department memorandum which explains how the United Nations will oversee "complete disarmament" of the American people under the ruse of preventing war.
The UN Arms Treaty has caused so much controversy because it outlines a plan to target "all types of conventional weapons, notably including small arms and light weapons," according to Forbes' Larry Bell. Former US Ambassador to the UN John Bolton also warns that the agreement "is trying to act as though this is really just a treaty about international arms trade between nation states, but there is no doubt that the real agenda here is domestic firearms control." A letter sent last month by 130 Republican House members to President Obama argued that the treaty should be rejected because it infringes on the "fundamental, individual right to keep and bear arms". The letter adds that "...the U.N.'s actions to date indicate that the ATT is likely to pose significant threats to our national security, foreign policy, and economic interests as well as our constitutional rights."
Using the rhetoric of the threat post by terrorists, insurgents and "international crime syndicates," the UN is busy trying to imply that all weapons are somehow involved in illegal activity on a global scale and should therefore be controlled and regulated by a global authority. This is precisely the same language used in a 1961 U.S. State Department briefing which outlined a long term agenda to carry out a "Program for General and Complete Disarmament in a Peaceful World."
Invoking the threat of nuclear warfare, the document spells out a plan to create a "United Nations Peace Force" that would "enforce the peace as the disarmament process proceeds." While the document initially focuses on scrapping nuclear weapons, it later makes it clear that the only groups allowed to own weapons of any kind would be governing authorities, "for the purpose of maintaining internal order," and the UN "peacekeeping" force itself, which would require "agreed manpower." "The manufacture of armaments would be prohibited except for those of agreed types and quantities to be used by the U.N. Peace Force and those required to maintain internal order. All other armaments would be destroyed or converted to peaceful purposes," states the document.
While the memorandum outlines a broader mandate to destroy national sovereignty, eviscerate national armies and institute the UN as the planet's supreme authority with a world army, the document serves as a stark reminder that the plan for the United Nations to oversee the abolition of the second amendment has been in the works for decades.
As Bell points out in his Forbes article, the threat of the Obama administration relying on a UN treaty to do what successive administrations have tried but failed to accomplish -- taking a huge bite out of the second amendment -- is by no means far fetched. After all, a plethora of UN treaties and international agreements have already stripped the United States of its sovereignty and its power to decide its own laws.
The power to authorize U.S. involvement in wars and conflicts has now been almost completely stripped from Congress and handed to the United Nations.·

Is it Fall yet?!

Whew. It's literally sweltering here, if that's possible. By 8 am it was close to 90 degrees and it's only gotten hotter as the day's progressed. But enough about me. Let's talk about ME.

True!!

I got the job!! I think I might be done with all of the gastro-intestinal distress I'd been having since interviewing, but it's too soon to be sure. (The Big Guy teased me about it being morning sickness. SUCH a comedian!)
Yesterday morning I got to "Shadow" a lady at the Transitional Home where I'll be working. It was fun, and I loved it. It seems odd to say that about something called "WORK", but I surely did feel like I was finally home. The residents were all pretty well-behaved, and the staff was all friendly as well. I heard that Monday had been an exciting and active day, but -maybe because "Tom" took his night-time pill in the morning-yesterday it was all good.
One of the ladies "Lulu", we'll call her, has been in a hospitalized setting for her entire adult life, and yesterday she was working on her plan to move into a 1-bedroom apartment. This is HUGE for her. I'm anxious to get to know everyone, and just from a few hours there, I'm already sure it will be a great thing. We took everyone but Lulu to the library (she was going to the Dollar Store, I think), and stopped on the way back for a Polar Pop. What a treat! :) One of the gentlemen regailed me with tales-more factoids, really-of New York City, New York State, and the many places he'd worked and also some about the weather in New York-not City, but State. I guess I asked for it by responding to his naming the song title of the music playing in the van. :) Then there was "Bill", who was looking sharp in his overalls and a constant line of saliva flowing off his lower lip.
I'm excited about having a place to go and make a difference. Funny that this came (1) so soon after helping my friend to get his feet back under him, and (2) after I'd finally concluded that I am making a difference in those I live with. I guess my confidence in THAT arena has been shaken, so I hoped to find somewhere else I could be a blessing. I know that this job will help me to be a better parent, again, as I will be practicing the communication and behavioral skills at work that'll help a lot at home.
Speaking of home, my youngest goes to his "dad's" for one more week and then it's back to 2 days a week ONLY. THANK GOD. We truly spend half of each week over the summer, after the boy comes back home, trying to get him to let go of the things he learns by watching the person he's with, there.
Crazy can certainly be learned, and we're fighting an uphill battle, to help him unlearn it once he gets home.
So, if you're a praying person, please keep us in your prayers. God's got this, I know, but we can't have too much help.
Ta ta for now.
 

July is Ex-Gay Pride Month!

I wanted to be sure you knew. I'm not sure about the Ex-gay Pride Parade, but if I get any info, I'll let you know. Seriously.  :)

"A Right to be Angry"

I found this today, and it was very good. I hope you will be blessed, like I was. Something to chew on, for sure.

(Borrowed from www.shirleymcclay.com @ Sunny Glade)

 It’s from the book 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp.  She’s asking the question ‘how do I see grace, give thanks, find joy in this sin-stinking place?’ When things are melting down really fast how does one find joy? Here are her words:

“What compels me to name these moments upheavals and annoyances instead of grace and gift? Why deprive myself of joy’s oxygen? The swiftness and starkness of the answer startle–because you believe in the power of the pit.
Really? I lay my head on the table. Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan’s way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus’ way? Why else get angry? Isn’t it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want? When I choose–and it is a choice–to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness? Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective–more expedient–than giving thanks?”

For the next couple of days it simmered and stirred in me. And God told me that I actually have no right to anger. It may be deserved, I may be hurt, but if I have truly laid all of me down at the altar, if I am truly dead to Shirley and Christ is in control, then my right to anger and defensiveness is gone. The minute I choose them, I am picking “me” up and stepping out of “living in Christ.”

How often did Jesus get mad as he was living his life here on earth? The money-changers at the temple. He was angry for the sake of God and His church. Not for Himself. Not for how he was treated, misunderstood, falsely accused, mocked, looked down on, unappreciated, scorned, made fun of, and hated. If He is our example of how we should respond, then we need to have zero tolerance for anger towards our loved ones.

Ouch. Painfully high standard. Impossible for me. But with Him all things that He asks me to do are possible.  ”With Him” being the key. I have to accept the grace that He offers in that moment. When anger is rising up in me (call it irritation, hurt, offense, or whatever other label) I have a choice in that moment of whose power I will grasp. Will I choose God’s power (grace) and continue to abide in Christ, or will I choose Satan’s power which steals, kills, and destroys. My choice. On a minute to minute basis.

And really, what do I gain by choosing anger? Does it further me in any way? Do I reach any goals or desires by simmering and fuming? Do I become more like Christ? Am I storing up treasure in Heaven? What is the end of anger towards my loved ones… to steal, kill, and destroy. To protect “me,” to exalt “me,” to defend “me.” And to take from them. This is not His way. Our way seems right to us but it leads to death. His way leads to life.

The Boys Next Door - Norman And Sheila's Date

Here's a peek at the second movie I saw, recently. I almost lose my hope in ever finding movies that I'll feel-deeply-better after seeing. Then, I go and pick out a couple by myself, and praise God I hit pay-dirt TWICE.
This one is lighter than the other, overall, but also has it's moments that are hard to watch. The cast is GREAT and you will laugh until you cry. And you might just cry, too. Here's a clip, but you really oughta see the movie. This is only a tiny bit of it's goodness.

Taking a break

Sometimes, I indulge myself in a couple hours of mental vacation. More than usual. I'm not often one to sit through a movie, but this may have to do with the usual movies that the GUYS bring home.
Last week *I* brought home a couple. Sigh. It was pretty nice. The Big Guy watched the first with me, and the Boy watched the second. They were both really good, about the Human Condition, relationships, responsibilities, and Human Services-type stuff. I think you'd probably like them, too.

Here's the first. "Get Low", starring Bobby Duval, Bill Murray, and Sissy Spacek.

I encourage you to see it. It's not too heavy and not too light. Kinda REAL. Like life.

A little something to think about.

Lee Grady: No More Spineless Christianity
http://www.ministrytodaymag.com/index.php/ministry-leadership/preaching/20128-lee-grady-no-more-spineless-christianity


The truth will set you free. First, though, it will probably piss you off.

One week later...

So, last week, my youngest finished 6th grade. The report card was GREAT!!
Now we begin homeschool.
As intimidating as that is, I'm convinced that it's the right thing for us. Some of the things he was "taught" in the local public school were SO incorrect, and that's not even talking about the section on religion I heard about. <BIG eye roll>
So, he goes to his Dad's for next week, and then we'll pick back up with h.s.-ing. I'm so relieved to have that year over with. I doubt that I'm the only parent, who, after hearing of the (Constant) shenanigans of certain teachers, thought "Does she not watch the news??" I could see easily why kids sometimes "go postal" in their schools.
GRATEFUL to have that chapter behind us. God willing, and the boy cooperates just a bit, we'll not be going back.

Now I'm going to go check on my little garden. : D

Slooowwww Moooo...

Lately, I’ve been in slow-mo, as far as my blogs, especially. I think of them often, but haven’t made time for tending, much.

In 2 days, I get to (finally) go have some tests run to see (I guess) if there are any indications of permanent damage or possibly additional strokes in my future. Yeah, it’s kind of surreal to think of, but a little over a month ago, on March 20th, I had a stroke. A small one, to be sure, but nonetheless, the Dr. who knows these things, said that’s what it was. 

(Sorry if I've already told you this part.)

I woke up at about 3:30 and noticed that I was slobbering in my sleep. I wiped my mouth & laid on my other side & dozed off again…When I woke up a few minutes later, I realized that “apparently” my left arm was asleep, in addition to the left side of my mouth feeling like I’d had dental work done: numb, slobbery, and droopy. I thought “the Big Guy must’ve accidentally smacked me while we were sleeping?” No, it’s never happened before, but THAT had also never happened, so go figure. 

After checking it out in the bathroom mirror, I determined that this was something that would require waking up the Hubster, and possibly a trip to the E.R. 

This is probably as good a time as any to mention that, like more Americans than you might think, we have no insurance. This does make me think long and hard about any medical needs, as I am loathe to rack up bills that there’s little to no chance that will get paid. Hand-to-mouth doesn’t really leave much for other expenditures. 

Anyway, there is a free Medical clinic nearby and thank God they’re going to help us. Friday I’ll be spending the majority of the day being tested. MRI, EKG, Dopplar-something, and one more. The Dr. said that taking Omega-3 supplements is a GOOD thing.

After a little more than a month, I am grateful to tell you that my symptoms have just about 98% gone away. The mouth was better by the time we left the E.R. that morning, and I’ve been working with the fingers (Yeah, I’m left-handed, of course! lol) of my left hand and all but the last 2 are back to good. If I’m slow and very careful, I can write my name again, but typing is a slllooooowwwwww affair. That’s why I’ve been silent on my blogs, for the most part.

The other part of the recovery process is the mental and emotional part. I almost didn’t mention that, but in all honesty, it’s been as much of a struggle as the physical. I looked up everything I could find on strokes, right away, and there are definite things that happen as a result of having had a stroke. Depression was noticeably increased, and there is a lingering feeling of confusion…if you’ve ever watched Boston Legal, you’ll get this: word salad. A. Lot. <sigh.> But it’s getting better. 

I’m grateful that I’ve been walking with my God for long enough to know that He’s got this. Yes, it was scary, and I’m not at ALL interested in having it happen again, but I’ve had the peace that passes understanding through it all. 

My church family have prayed for me/us, and I’ve been stretching and working the muscles on my left hand & arm, as much as I know how to…In another couple of months, there will be no sign of it ever having  happened. 

Good thing, cos I’ve got LOTSA stuff to do, yet. 

So, what’s new with you? 

I don't really have a standard to compare my mental status with, now do I?

Hiya, gang! I'm checking in to let you know that I've NOT forgotten you! No, not even a little bit! The nice dr. that I saw a couple of days ago tells me that on the 20th of last month (March, if you're keeping track), I had a kind of a stroke. "TIA" I think is what they call it. ("TAI"?) What this means to you, dear reader, is that I've not been able to get enough function back in my left hand (YET) to be able to justify the time it takes to type a little. After 3 weeks, though, other than typing, I've gotten most of the use of it back. If I'm verrrry careful and go verry slowly, I can even write again. (VERRRRY) It took about a week to be able to wash my own hair, about 2 weeks to tie my shoes, and now it's all pretty good except for the fine motor stuff. Doc says it's good that I've begun taking fish oil (for Brain repair), and, being me, I'm thinking I probly shoulda been gulping those suckers down a LONG time ago. lol
Anyway, I did the speech-to-text tutorial this morning on the laptop, and I'm hoping to be able to start blogging again on a semi-regular basis, soon.
I have a whole new understanding of why old people are SO FREAKIN' SLOW!! Jeez. I guess I was due for another couple of  lessons in patience & acceptance.
So, that's the latest. As usual, my Big Guy has been my rock and a big helper ;) through out. (Only lost a FEW chunks of hair when he helped me wash it! lol) I'm pretty sure I'm not a great patient, and I appreciate him more every day.
Oh, and it's worth mentioning that the good Dr. said I need to quit the b.c. pills now, and start taking aspirin on a regular basis. Not so sure the un-hormonally-balanced me is gonna be very good for ANY of us, but....we'll see. I'm taking orders from my superiors, today.
Here's a thought for you, just in case you're curious about how things are, in a little more detail, in Wonderland: The next time you're in the bathroom, try wiping with your OTHER hand. Not feeling that brave? Ok, then just brush your teeth with the "wrong" hand. Yeah, fun, huh? So, it's been a challenge, but nothing God's not been right beside me, for the whole ordeal. THANK God for a sense of humor. : D
Love and clumsy hugs

You may be right. I may be crazy. But...bite me.

I found this recently, and I knew I'D want to read it again at some point. 

 I thought you  might want to, too. 

54 UNIQUE BENEFITS OF HOMESCHOOLING

By Joel Turtel

April 22, 2008

www.NewsWithViews.com

Parents, is homeschooling the right choice for you and your children? Maybe you think you don’t have the time to homeschool because you work. Perhaps you don’t have confidence in your ability to teach your kids because you never took “teaching” courses.

But consider the alternative. Public schools can destroy your children’s self-esteem, destroy their ability to read, strangle their love of learning, put them in physical and moral danger, and wreck their future.

In contrast, here’s 54 unique benefits homeschooling can give you and your kids, as written and explained by Laura B., a smart, wonderful wife, mother of three, homeschooler, and business owner who works from home and still focuses on her family!

Homeschooling (or low-cost internet private schools), can have the following extraordinary benefits for you and your children:

1. Be with Your Family
2. Set Your Own Schedule
3. Vacation When You Want
4. Choose curriculum that best suits the needs of your child
5. Be totally aware of the state and progress of your child's education
6. Keep your child away from un-necessary peer pressure
7. Keep your child away from the bad influence of other children
8. Love, nurture, and teach your child the character and morals you value most
9. Make learning fun
10. Make learning as "experiential" as you want
11. Don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to get your child dressed and fed and off to school where their so tired they don't learn well anyway.
12. Break up the day however you want to fit your child's learning attention span
13. Teach your child without any "assumed limitations". Teach multiple languages, develop one skill or subject--the sky's the limit
14. What you teach an older child naturally filters down to the younger child(ren) making learning must easier and faster for siblings
15. Teach at the pace and developmental stage appropriate for your child
16. Avoid educational "labeling"
17. Keep you child as far away from drugs as possible
18. Never have to worry about bomb scares or mass shootings
19. Allow your child to do think, discuss, and explore in ways not possible in a classroom setting
20. Constant positive reinforcement and gentle correction. No abusive words or actions that scar your child's psyche
21. Don't use the school system as a babysitter. You only need a few hours for learning--the rest of the day is filled with unnecessary "busy work"
22. Develop life skills such as cooking, cleaning, and organizing that are easily learned with the additional time spent at home
23. Spend as much time outdoors as you want to enjoy nature and the world around us
24. Teach the value of responsibility by providing daily jobs
25. To make money management as natural as breathing by allowing even small children to do tasks, earn money, save it, and spend it in an appropriate manner.
26. Never have your child beat up by a bully. Teach self-defense skills that will enable him to deal with any situation but not until he is mature enough to handle the emotional aspects of confrontation
27. No pressure or set "expectations" from teachers on a younger sibling that follows an older sibling in the same school
28. Be around when your child needs to talk
29. Take a break when your child needs a break
30. Bond as a family through family group activities
31. Pass on your religious beliefs and morals to your children and stay away from the "indoctrination" of other school systems
32. Teach sex education when you and how you want
33. Develop your child's imagination and teach diverse problem solving skills instead of one institutionalized method of thinking
34. Unlimited possibilities for extra curricular activities that interest your child having to live up to the expectations or skills of others.
35. Develop the individualism of your child
36. Avoid traditional school "group activities" that may leave one student doing all the work or ruining it for everyone else.
37. Never have your child feel the failure, embarrassment, or teasing from "failing" a grade
38. To keep your children out of the care, custody, and control or people you don't know and who naturally teach their philosophy of life whether they realize it or not
39. No opportunity for your child to "sluff off", "snow-blow", or "just get by" with academics
40. To have your child learn initiative naturally as there's no peer pressure or fear of embarrassing himself
41. Allow your child to have input and say in subject matter and style
42. Allow your child to focus on growth and development--not following the latest fad or being in a certain group
43. So your child will only be surrounded by people who love him, encourage him, and want the best for him.
44. Make sure your child doesn't end up graduating without knowing how to read or knowing other basic skills due to educational failings of your local schools.
45. Keep your child out of private schools that have peer pressure, teacher criticism, drugs, sex, and alcohol that your child never needs to be around
46. Avoid grading scales and testing that gives no positive benefit to your child
47. Not to give the state or federal government control of your child that they assume is theirs
48. To easily pass on your unique heritage or language to your child
49. So your child is not limited by "age" or "grade" to advance or explore academics in which they are interested or gifted
50. To teach your children to enjoy life
51. To allow your children to go to work with Mom or Dad when you all want--not just on the one "go to work with a parent holiday"
52. As many field trips as you want, to places that interest your child
53. To just take a day off when everyone feels like it
54. Flexibility to switch or experiment with different curriculum

Parents, if you are disgusted with public schools and want your children to have the great education they deserve, why not consider homeschooling? Millions of parents now homeschool their kids, and many of these parents are only high-school graduates.

Subscribe to the NewsWithViews Daily News Alerts! Enter Your E-Mail Address:

In the last three chapters of “Public Schools, Public Menace,” you’ll find many ways to homeschool your kids or use internet private schools, even if you work. Homeschooling can be a lot easier, and take a lot less time than you think. It can also bring you great joy in teaching your children.

© 2008 Joel Turtel - All Rights Reserved


P.S. I love my kid too much to put him through the public schools any longer, if I can POSSIBLY avoid it. Knowledge is power.

Clean and crazy...making amends

Recently I was over at my Mom's, cutting the eldest boys' hair. He decided to take this semester off of school, and so he's moved back in with her. Hopefully this will work out well for everyone.
So, in the process of hair-cutting, we got to talking about the band that he had playing in the other room, and he reminded me of an incident we had a few years back, where I destroyed a bunch of his cds. I had no recollection of this incident, as well as another involving some reading material of his, in which I threw a bunch of books away as well. I had NO memory of these things. That really bothered me.
I guess I'd had black-out rages before, but primarily they were limited to alcoholic blackouts. (It seems appropriate to mention now that my children have never seen me under the influence of anything mind-altering.) That being the case, it hurt me SO MUCH to think of how I railed and ranted against/on him. The only thing I remember from around that period, as far as my insanity/acting out, is a time when I had my boy pinned in a corner with my body, daring him to hit me, and using everything in me not to hit him. To his credit, he was never abusive to me. It was soon after that (those, I guess) incident that he went to live with my Mom.

Hearing about my behavior back then, even Clean and Sober, really shook me to the core. All I could think to say at the time he was telling me (Not to be hurtful, just saying what he remembered), was "I was really under a lot of stress then." And it was continual, and constant, for the 6 or 7 years we lived in "Crack Cental". The spirit of oppression in those apartments was really almost tangible. I guess that will have to go down in my life as one of the lowest points. I don't know if I was on medication at that time or not, but I guess that would be a reason for the extent of the outbursts, if I was not.
So, after I finished the haircut, I went home and cried and cried and cried. I sent my son a text saying that I did not remember those things and that I am SO very sorry for behaving that way. Of course he said "it's fine", but it's NOT. Knowing how his "dad" has emotionally abused him, and how the depression had kicked his butt (as a result of dad's bullying, I suspect), I KNEW that he didn't need an abusive, insane Mom. I told him that now I know why there's been such a separation between he & I, and that he was protecting himself from me, and I said that he was smart for that. A friend said that it could have been worse, etc., trying to comfort me, I guess, but I don't receive that. "At least I didn't" is a typical cop-out for people who aren't really trying to move forward. I mean, I know it's true, that it could have been MUCH worse, but that really doesn't make me feel any better. Wow.
I hope there won't be too many more revelations like this, but in the spirit of opening communication and working toward a mother-son relationship again, I'll ask, and he'll have opportunities to tell me what I did.
The feeling that comes back to me about those times, is that I was being JUST like my DAD. I have PTSD that was begun as a little child, as a result of my Dad's "parenting". My God, is that what I had become?
I knew that when we moved into that place, it was either there or a shelter, and it was the lesser of the two evils. I guess it was a rock & a hard place, but I couldn't have known the toll it would take on us.
I've had big regrets, from what I DID remember, but now I'll have more work to do. To find a way to stop hating myself, to forgive myself...to re-build a loving relationship with my now 20-year-old son. Guess I'd better get some step-work done.
Days like these send me running to the Mercy Seat.

He loves the Unlovable


 

So, how's your week been?

Bread Crumbs and Grace

“I’ve found that even during those times when the path is darkest, He leaves little bits of evidence all along the way- bread crumbs of grace- that can give me what I need to take the next step.” –Mary Beth Chapman

20 years + 1 day

Hi, friends. Today we're recovering from an over-abundance of great cooking and good family time. Thanksgiving yesterday was a nice time, with my boys (BOTH, for a short time!), my wonderful husband, my Mom, brother & his family, my s-i-l's sister, and some friends of my brother's. All were very good to see and hang out with for a minute. Today before heading back home, we all walked around a local tourist spot, which is FULL of crafter's wares : P ', and had a good pizza at one of the local beer & pizza spots.
Today when we arrived back at home, the hubster & I agreed that we're just not good at being out of our own space for very long (more than a day or 2) periods. I suspect that to a certain degree, it's about the "family dynamics", although there was no real notice-able tension, it's the only reason I can think of as to why we always feel so drained. It's not just about time with my family, it's about the same with his, and they're the least stressful people I've probably ever gotten to spend time with! So, yeah, it's gotta be US, not them.
I trust that your Thanksgiving was a good one. Regardless of where we are, what we do or don't have to eat, and any other variables you add or remove from the mix, I'm grateful. We all have pretty good health, all of our needs are provided for, and usually we're allowed to have luxuries that we certainly don't deserve.

So, how was your day?
P.S. I was looking for a fitting picture, and, well, let's just say this one is our family as much as any I found. LOL

Hope...

If you Google "Will of God" you may find this:

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

Some thinks to ponder...

quotes for the day

Hands that help are holier than lips that pray.
- Sai Baba

Imagination is the highest kite one can fly.
- Lauren Bacall

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
- Richard Bach

One must always maintain one's connection to the past and yet ceaselessly pull away from it.
- Gaston Bachelard

 You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.
- Joan Baez

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

There is a way to look at the past. Don't hide from it. It will not catch you - if you don't repeat it.
- Pearl Bailey

There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now.
- James Baldwin

I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.
- Lucille Ball

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
- Tallulah Bankhead

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
- Carl Bard

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.
- James M. Barrie

Love thy neighbor as thy self, but choose thy neighborhood.
- Louise Beal

Crazy? Ill? or maybe both?

2-23-12

So,  it’s been a while since I updated you on things here.  The Big Guy had an EEG done (it showed nothing unusual, which is the norm, I guess)and last week they did a 24-hour EEG.  Well, things were going along pretty well there for a little bit, and now tonight it would appear that he’s having another “seizure”. I’ve never seen one like the ones he’s having, but the best way I can think to describe them is that he’s clumsy, disoriented, has slurred speech, and he’s just not himself. And the next day, he won’t remember most of it. Essentially, the Big Guy has a black-out for 6-8 hours when a seizure occurs.

What I know about these things is (not much), that they start in the afternoon/evening, and the most recent few have lasted for 6 hours or more. (Before we had any idea what was happening, he told me a couple of times about “losing” a few minutes here and there, but it was a momentary thing, so we didn’t think much of it.) Also, since he was working at the pizza place for the last year or so, during which time these things began, there was reason to suspect that they might be tied to the work environment. Now he’s been working at the new place for a month and they’ve begun to happen again.

I called the Dr.’s office this evening to try and get some idea of what the test results said, but of course by the time I realized that it was happening, the Dr.’s office was closed.

Which leaves me here: watching the Simpsons with Little Bit and attempting to keep myself from freaking out…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ok, so let’s think about something else for a minute. Hey! I got an Apple iBook with the grant money from the class I’m taking. WOO HOO!!  : )

Now as soon as I can figure out how to manage the differences between this and the pc/windows that I was raised on, I’ll be in business. Yeah, I’m feeling a little bit lost, but I know that learning new things will be really good exercise for my brain, and I did need a new laptop. So, this is a good thing. I’m not going to put effort into doing my schoolwork on it, for now, but I do have a “Switching from a pc to a Mac - for Dummies”
that I found @ ½ priced books…so there is hope.

Little Bit won’t allow me to write much more until he’s in bed, and I’m not sure if I’ll have the will to write more at that time, so for now I’m signing off. I know God’s in charge and everything will be fine, but it just doesn’t FEEL like it right now.  <sigh>

Happy February!

Hello from Wonderland!
There is a tiny bit of movement, here, these days. Not enough to tell exactly what it will turn out to be, but there is definately a shifting...
Recently, Mom told us about a house in the town where the Big Guy works, which is for sale. Hm. We're loooking at the end of our lease in the apartment ending in just about 3 months, so this piqued our interest. (Being the more OCD of the bunch, it fairly kept me captive until we'd gotten to look inside.) Oh. That's what it looks like for a house to be 80 years old without ever repairing or replacing the walls, stairs, or windows in an efficient manner. Although the size and location were very appealing, it'd cost much more to get it to where we'd like it to be, than we have to work with.
Mom states that she'll co-sign for us, and we've yearned for a piece of our very own earth for many years. Now, I don't know that OUR land is going to be within the paramiters of an actual town or city, since the Big Guy and I are very much looking to escape what has been called (It's funny now, isn't it?) civilization.
But, until we get that memo from The Lord God, we're not going to be signing anything. Hopefully we're not going to have to wait YEARS to get out of the populus, but....<sigh>
Like I said, stuff is happening, and I'm excited to see what He's gonna do.
Love and hugs to all!
abs