Checking in...

Hi, guys! It's been just about forever (In my world, a month IS forever) since I"ve grabbed a few minutes to write, and even now, I had to spend 45 minutes reading some of the many blogs I like to try to keep up with, before landing in my own writing space.
Here's what's new:
I passed the class, with like a B, I think?!! WOOT WOOT! And last week I got the official paper that says I've got my Technical Certificate in Human Services.  ALERT THE MEDIA!! Yeah, they're so beating down the door. (ahem.)
Anyway, I FINISHED it. And, despite pressure from ALL sides, but least of all my Sweety-thank God-I'm NOT going to run out and get "anything" in the way of a job. The idea of deserting my youngest at this time, is just not setting well with me. Honestly, in a perfect world, he'd never go back to public school and I'd supplement our income by creating pretty and unusual things. It is very important to me that I can be there when the boy needs me. Thankfully, the Big Guy and I are in complete agreement in the overall $$ issues: don't need much, just enough to stay afloat and some left over to give away. And being the faithful kinda God that God is, He's taken great care to let us keep the lights on, the vehicles gassed up, and clothes on everyone. (I hate to admit how much my Mom's been assisting us, but I know if she weren't, we'd really be up $hit Creek.) We were talking about that recently, and truth is, I know she likes to help us, whether or not it's related to the illusions of control she also has. I can totally see how I'd feel if my boys "needed" me when they hadn't for a long time. God help us, we're really anxious to get out from the help that she gives us, just for our own mental health's sake, and I'm hopeful that that time is right around the corner.
Here's why:
I recently started keeping up with an old associate (30 years?! Dangit how old AM I!??!) yes, from 30 years ago, who is musically inclined and generally very talented and an all around great guy. "Scott" is a member of a local band that's gotten to be ridiculously popular. They've got the videos on Reverbnation, thousands of friends on facebook-the TRUEST test of genuine like-ability, right? ; ) - and all matter of merchandise available, from caps, to lighters, t-shirts, etc. etc.  So I've been fiddling around with a bit of creative creating, and so I got ahold of Scott & asked him if the band had any kind of jewelry in their merch? He said no, so I said I'd be working on somethings to show him (and his domestic partner) as soon as I finished with that last class. He said great. Sooooo, I've been making pendants from misc. game pieces; primarily Scrabble tiles and dominoes. (I've found several sizes of Dominoes and they're pretty great.) I'll post a picture of some of the non-band pendants I've got so far, and you can judge for yourself if they're adequate to put out on the market. I like them, but I have confirmed AGAIN that I am by far my own worst critic, and even though I've gotten 98% positive input from everyone (the 2% being from Mom, of course),my second-guessing skills have been kicking into overdrive like you wouldn't believe. If this continues, I am very hopeful to find a market for them, w/ or w/o the band's being included.

Pendants by Abz

I think a better camera will be necessary, b/c these were taken with my phone. Can you see them ok? Idk. If I were more blog-savvy, I'd be having a contest to give one away to a lucky reader, but since I'm not, I'll just send one to a friend of mine.
I pray that you are well-fed, rested, and peaceful today. If not, then hopefully it's b/c you had a wonderfully productive day and you're worn out from that.  : )




                                 

A quote for you

Humpty Dumpty: "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."


Alice: "The question is, whether you can make words mean so many different things."


Humpty Dumpty: "The question is: which is to be master - that's all."



THERE's an interesting thought:
My words mean whatever I want them to mean.
When I'm talking to myself, that's a good thing, but in interacting with those around me, I suppose the trick is to be able to translate what I mean by it, into what the person(s) listening, will comprehend. Kinda like two languages.
I know that I had my first-hand experience in learning to speak the other's language (for survival purposes) was when I was about 22 years old. I was in a relationship with a "man" (I prefer to call him satan.) who turned out to be too many kinds of crazy for me to figure out, b/c at the time all I needed to know is that he was a liar, a prescription drug addict, a SOCIOPATH, and a female-beater. In order to communicate with him (when fists were not being used), I learned to listen to what he meant, and rather than respond as I felt, I had to tell him what he wanted to hear. In later years, a friend and I would joke about domestic abuse: "Oh, it's ok, honey, I understand, it's my fault....Why don't you just go lay down for a little bit...take a nap...(In Glenda the good witch's voice) go to sleeeep."  : )
It stil makes me smile and cringe at the same time.
And when I saw this quote in my inbox, it somehow reminded me of a kind of word game we used to play when I was a teenager. It consisted of using the word "F---" in sentences with as many DIFFERENT grammatical meanings as we could think of. Yeah, it probably doesn't sound quite as hilarious now as it was then, and I'll say that the reason might be that there were many varied chemicals floating around back in the day.  (DOH!) Which leads me to the question I ponder occasionally when I have free time:
Which came first; the mental illness, or the drugs? I know that I used many things to escape from the crowd inside of my head, but was it partially the Itty Bitty Committee that made it necessary to self-medicate? Or did the drugs help them to come forward?
What do you think?



                                           

Self-Disclosure

I learned in a Communications class that self-disclosure is something you tell someone about yourself that they would likely not know or be able to find out about you. Self-disclosure should be reciprocal, meaning listening to the other person and using that to guide us in the amount of information we disclose about ourselves.  

In this class I also learned that we do not tell  people who we really are because we are afraid that they will not like the real us.  Plus we have the need to protect ourselves.

I have realized that I still use these disclosure guidelines because there are people who do not understand.  And I still reflect on the times I felt discounted and hurt by disclosure.

Some of the things I learned through trial and error began early on.  After stabilizing I returned to work and was put into another job.  I felt good about it because I knew that my lead was a very caring woman ~ which leads me into my six guidelines....

Disclosure rule 1:  Just because someone is seems caring doesn't mean they will know what you personally need.  So watch for things like: do they get overly emotional and invest way too much time in looking out for people with broken wings.  It is suffocating when someone asks you how you are every five minutes.

Disclosure rule 2:  How does the person feel about people with mental illness?  Sometimes clues come out in regular conversations.  Sometimes you have to set up a situation about another person or situation where someone is manic depressive or something that is an "acceptable" mental illness.  If the person thinks the mentally ill person can control their behaviors with meds or self talk, walk away, they will never understand the complexity of DID.

Disclosure rule 3: Remember that even close family members will probably deny anything happened to you, especially if it occurred within the family.  Family members usually have more to protect then we do.  We are the ones seeking help--they are not.  They don't want to face up to it, so it couldn't have happened.  However, if they keep giving you advice on how to take care of different issues with suggestions like "drink gatorade" or "you need to eat better," let a strong alter tell them that you are afraid that these simplistic suggestions do not cure what you are going through.  (sorry, that helped me with my sweet, loving mom.)

Disclosure rule 4:  Ask yourself if the person is trustworthy.  Does the person gossip about other people, especially people that you are both friends or acquaintances with?  Watch them, listen to how they discuss another person.  Never tell someone who cannot keep their mouth shut.  If they talk about their friends, and you are their friend, well.... your disclosure is not private.

Disclosure rule 5:  Think about what you want from disclosing.  Does the person have an attribute you can tap into--as a two way street.  Some of us have disclosed with other multiples in a face-to-face relationship.  We do so because we can offer each other something of value, not because we need someone to cry to.  Have you all ever thought of that?  We talk to learn, not to unload.  Funny isn't it.  Multiples are usually very sincere and helpful to each other. (of course sometimes we don't feel that way)

Disclosure rule 6:  If or when you choose to disclose, do so when you are in your best state of mind.  If there is any thought that it won't go well, it probably won't feel right afterward.  It might actually turn out just fine, but self doubt can be plaguing. For instance, if you feel like you might be put on the spot, it might happen for that reason alone.  Some times I just feed people little bits and pieces, like--boy I hate when I do something out of character.  Or if I slip with the word "we" and get called on it, I actually tell them it is "me, myself and I."  It gets a few laughs.

Actually, many people know my dx.  My mother even tries to help me with it.  Several people are men, and even though several women know, only two are allowed to talk about it.  I mean, the other women were not worthy of really knowing. One treated me like a baby and the other one used it against me.  She forgot to tell me something then claimed she told "someone" else.  Wrong, the situation would have never allowed it.  For me, men seem more understanding.  They see me or us as extremely strong and sort of fascinating.  It is weird because if a woman called my complex irrational painful intelligent messed up unhappy frightened sad depressed happy confused giddy exhausted dedicated...... um..... self, fascinating, I would come unglued.

My boss has known about us for about five years and tells me often how much we have grown.  He is sincere and I really appreciate someone understanding the depth of it, with out any details.

I guess for me--disclosure is helpful because I would not and could not expose myself, the whole deal, unless I felt safe, trusted the person and believed they were worthy of "knowing" us.  I see it as a positive.  It might not work for everyone and I don't recommend everyone doing it or thinking they should.  I just find that the more people who know that I am who I am and always have been-- AND --I am not certified crazy or dangerous...... well, they are educated.

For the most part I have a very healthy outlook about who I am.

For more, go to this site! 

Dust Bunnys

Hello, friends. I'm wrapping up the last few weeks of the Ethics class, and I'm really dying to get on here and get you all caught up on life at our little place!! ...alas, it's gonna have to wait a little while longer. In the meantime, here's a little something I found on JUST BE REAL  a friends' blog, and I wanted to share it with you.
P.S. I got my housekeeping p.o.v. from an old friends' Mom, who said "If it bothers you, you can (take care of)  it!"  Thanks, Ma Miles.

Where to find them or " The Natural Environment"

Dustbunnies have been around for centuries and are an untouched resource of easy-care pets for our busy life styles. They have lived quietly along side us and have already been domesticated.
You probably have one or two which have "adopted" you and you wouldn't even know it.
The Dustbunny seeks out spaces that receive little traffic, and preferably dark - although some do become curious of the outside world.

Dust Bunny Defenses

Dustbunnies have their own paratrooper squads that one must be on the look-out for. However, since the Dustbunnies do not have their own Air Force they depend on fan blades to transport them, so invasions usually take place during warm summer days.
There are also small legions of foot soldiers that parade across the floor when the ventilation units are turned on.
When heavy objects are moved they will scurry for cover. This is the best time for capture.

Did you know that Dustbunnies eat spiders and other things that crawl into their territory? Also, they like to use pencils as exercise equipment. It may cost $100 per day to capture them if you live in a big city.

Dustbunny Social Life

Dust Bunnies are very prolific. There is no such thing as ONE Dust Bunny. Left to their own devices, dustbunnies will reproduce at alarming rates.
Dustbunnies like to use stereo-systems as their own personal Singles Clubs. Dancing usually takes place on the older models with a LP turntable, as the laser show of the CD drives have been linked to Fur Cancer in studies conducted at DBU.
Believe it or not DISCO is still their favorite music. If you find any dancing on the head of your needle, please remove gently and place off to the side so they can catch their breath.
There is now a new "Take your Dust Bunny to Work Day".. If you do this, make sure you only bring back your home Dust Bunnies and not the ones from work. Although, the ones at work may like a nice holiday.

Dustbunny care: Care for dustbunnies is very low maintenance.

Feeding: Dust Bunnies will find their own food. They have a tendency to turn vegetarian - if you do not wish them to eat your houseplants you may wish to gently wipe them off the leaves with a gentle but firm "no".
Dustbunnies need a quiet, dark place to make a hutch or home, under beds and dressers are the ideal spots. If you wish them to find their own space, don't be surprised if you catch them crawling the walls and hanging from the chandeliers.
Dust Bunnies prefer small hidden places where no one looks.

When giving you Dust Bunnies a bath, make sure that you have the safety net put on. This way your Dust Bunnies will not get sucked back into the wash or go down the drain. They enjoy congregating in pipes and Roto-Rooter may hurt them.
Now that the heating season is here, make sure that you have collected your Dustbunnies off of the heaters and registers. Burnt fur does not smell very good and it does spook your Dustbunnies.
When using a dehumidifier, please pay special attention to the coils. Dustbunnies like to drink from these and may become too wet to move. Gently wipe them off and place in a dryer with clothes. They will collect on the lint screen and then can be released.

Health Care:

Unlike many pets, Dustbunnies do not need inoculations or veterinary visits. If your Dustbunny begins to look peaked, build it a nest of laundry lint and in a few days your pet will be looking fine and frisky.

Making your home Dustbunny friendly:

If you are missing an item, check the Dust Bunny hutch. Unlike Raccoons who will actively look for goodies, Dustbunnies will only take what they can get easily especially anything left on the floor near their home.

Natural enemies of the Dust Bunny:

 Giant sucking machines (i.e. Hoovers, Kirbys, Dust Vacs, etc.) keep them as far away from your Dustbunny if you don't want to scare them.

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Moving right along

Getting closer to being DONE with this last class....I've been learning so much, but I can't say a lot of it's from my textbook. O.o
If you enjoy all things psychiatric, as I do, then you need to find the Showtime series "United States of Tara". We actually don't have cable of any kind, but I found all 3 seasons (#4 is the current one, so...wonder how long till it's out?) at my local library. The primary subject of the show is a woman who has been living with D.I.D., and how she and her family deal with it.
THANKS, Barb, for the recommendation.
And, before I run back to the class-site, check it out: I got a SIGNATURE!! Woo Hoo!!

Your new quote...

"White Queen: Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one
 and one and one and one and one and one and one?
Alice: I don't know. I lost count."

-the White Queen and Alice

News...

Greetings, my friends. Remember a while back when I was telling you about the Big Guy's "spells" or "Siezures"? And we had no clue as to what they were, actually, only that they were scary...?
Well, this morning we went to a different LCSW, and she gave us great hope. I just keep thinking of how much adults' self-centeredness can reap havoc in their childrens' lives, and IDK if they are even capable of caring. Thank GOD the perpetrator of the violations against my B.G. died many years ago. The counselor said that she'll be very surprised if what we've been going through has ANY kind of physical cause. So, I'm at the library now, doing a bit of research on Dissassociative Disorder. I don't know if I want to tell you any more right now, but we're grateful to have finally gotten into the SOLUTION. Counselor said it's good that he didn't wait any longer to come in, b/c the cause of these "thigns" is the #1 reason for folks to become what we used to call, schitzophrenic.  GOD IS GOOD. And, like Roger Johnson used to say "God's in control and all is well."
Blessings to you.