Recovery Coach Training

So a few weeks ago I was in the first part of the ICAADA training to be a Peer Recovery Coach. I wanted to tell you about some of the highlights, especially yesterday's walk through the hall of shame. It felt like a viewing you might go to after someone dies. I have pictures to add, but they will have to be posted later.
The topic yesterday was "Stigma". We broke up into 3 groups and each group made a list on large pieces of newsprint paper of the words that come to mind when you think about:
Alcoholics
Drug Addicts
Mentally Ill
Recovery.
Each group made a pretty extensive list.
Then we hung the lists up together in the meeting room across the hall from the classroom. We were instructed to walk through the room, single-file, silently.
The entire class walked through the room in about 15 minutes' time, then returned to our seats, still silently, considering the things we'd just read.
I will add the posters when I am able.
I think I can safely say that most of us were in tears after this reminder of who we had been, for so long. Even with so much time, so many years, between myself and the days of drinking and drugging, it brought back many painful memories.
I 'd believed the lies for so long, and run so hard after the (non-existent) rewards smoke and mirrors of the party-girl/addicts' lifestyle.In that room, with 2 dozen of our peers, we confronted our collective demons.

 Now, before I continue, I feel that I should tell you that not ALL of these adjectives described me, completely. But, yes; most did.
We discussed what had just happened. We talked about the stigmas of addiction, alcoholism, and of mental illness, all of which were represented in our group. Most of us saw our former selves on more than one of the papers.
I can't recall what my peers said, but the feelings were all the same: guilt, shame, sorrow, self-loathing, to name a few.
What I shared afterward, was that it felt a lot like when I did my first 5th Step. Writing the inventory wasn't so hard, but letting someone else see the labels I'd carried around, was terrifying. I was deeply afraid that all the things I'd thought about myself, even before ever picking up, would be confirmed as true
.But what I said then, was that I'm a little bit less of that person, every day that I stay clean. I never want to be her, again.
I will be eternally grateful for the Trainers and my friends who went on that disturbing walk through the "Wall of Pain" with me. We learned, that week, how to better use our pains to help the addict/alcoholics that God will faithfully our paths.

Looking upward and onward...

I'm so thrilled when I see that there have been visitors to my little slice of blogging Heaven! Of course, it's amusing to note that the "thought police" that I've mentioned in the not-too-distant past are among the visitors, but I'm grateful that most of you are actually friends and family. (Did I mention that I do my best to not have secrets, now? The fact that there are those who would sneak around and look for dirt on others, just tells me a lot about how sick they still are.) And I wish you could see the grin on my face as I think of how paranoid I used to be, and how nice it is to NOT be that way, now.)
Anywho...It's Spring Break-ALREADY!!?- and that means that next week we're going to make the trek up to see the Big Guy's parents. They really are so much better than most. Coming from the relationship I've had with my own Mother, his Mom is really baffling. She's so NICE and warm and doesn't tell us what to do unless we ASK! Now, don't get me wrong, I know and completely believe that any parent who is bossy to their adult (-ish, ok?)children, are doing so out of concern and love for them. Motives do count, I guess. I'm aware-a LOT- of these characteristics, primarily because I seem to be in the life-season where we begin (? or continue?) to turn into our parents. Overall, I don't think that's a bad thing, but I see things that cause me to want to keep a distance from my Mother, and I need to take the necessary steps to be sure I DON'T do that to my boys. I'm not my Mom, I've had a different life-experience than she has, and I know we've both done the best we knew how, as parents. Isn't that all anyone can do?
God help me...The Serenity Prayer is such a great all-purpose prayer, isn't it?
Well, I've been looking forward to getting out of the house for a little today, and it's getting to be that time. I'm kinda psyched that our little country church has recently begun a Saturday night "Contemporary" service, and yeah, it feels like I really ought to support it. Any time I can spend some time with God and those who are SEEKING him, well, that's a good thing.

ttfn

Clean and crazy...making amends

Recently I was over at my Mom's, cutting the eldest boys' hair. He decided to take this semester off of school, and so he's moved back in with her. Hopefully this will work out well for everyone.
So, in the process of hair-cutting, we got to talking about the band that he had playing in the other room, and he reminded me of an incident we had a few years back, where I destroyed a bunch of his cds. I had no recollection of this incident, as well as another involving some reading material of his, in which I threw a bunch of books away as well. I had NO memory of these things. That really bothered me.
I guess I'd had black-out rages before, but primarily they were limited to alcoholic blackouts. (It seems appropriate to mention now that my children have never seen me under the influence of anything mind-altering.) That being the case, it hurt me SO MUCH to think of how I railed and ranted against/on him. The only thing I remember from around that period, as far as my insanity/acting out, is a time when I had my boy pinned in a corner with my body, daring him to hit me, and using everything in me not to hit him. To his credit, he was never abusive to me. It was soon after that (those, I guess) incident that he went to live with my Mom.

Hearing about my behavior back then, even Clean and Sober, really shook me to the core. All I could think to say at the time he was telling me (Not to be hurtful, just saying what he remembered), was "I was really under a lot of stress then." And it was continual, and constant, for the 6 or 7 years we lived in "Crack Cental". The spirit of oppression in those apartments was really almost tangible. I guess that will have to go down in my life as one of the lowest points. I don't know if I was on medication at that time or not, but I guess that would be a reason for the extent of the outbursts, if I was not.
So, after I finished the haircut, I went home and cried and cried and cried. I sent my son a text saying that I did not remember those things and that I am SO very sorry for behaving that way. Of course he said "it's fine", but it's NOT. Knowing how his "dad" has emotionally abused him, and how the depression had kicked his butt (as a result of dad's bullying, I suspect), I KNEW that he didn't need an abusive, insane Mom. I told him that now I know why there's been such a separation between he & I, and that he was protecting himself from me, and I said that he was smart for that. A friend said that it could have been worse, etc., trying to comfort me, I guess, but I don't receive that. "At least I didn't" is a typical cop-out for people who aren't really trying to move forward. I mean, I know it's true, that it could have been MUCH worse, but that really doesn't make me feel any better. Wow.
I hope there won't be too many more revelations like this, but in the spirit of opening communication and working toward a mother-son relationship again, I'll ask, and he'll have opportunities to tell me what I did.
The feeling that comes back to me about those times, is that I was being JUST like my DAD. I have PTSD that was begun as a little child, as a result of my Dad's "parenting". My God, is that what I had become?
I knew that when we moved into that place, it was either there or a shelter, and it was the lesser of the two evils. I guess it was a rock & a hard place, but I couldn't have known the toll it would take on us.
I've had big regrets, from what I DID remember, but now I'll have more work to do. To find a way to stop hating myself, to forgive myself...to re-build a loving relationship with my now 20-year-old son. Guess I'd better get some step-work done.
Days like these send me running to the Mercy Seat.

He loves the Unlovable


 

So, how's your week been?

Taking a kind of inventory

Hiya! I've been up since 7 am this morning, which is unusual for someone who loves sleep as much as I. Why? you may ask. Well, I woke up early this morning because we are going to go to the FARRRRR North side today, to see my eldest son on his 20th birthday. I woke up feeling like it was Christmas, because (I assume) it's been forever since I've seen him.
My Mom asked me to stop by her place on the way up, to get some things she wants him to have (food, primarily, I'm betting), so after Walmart & Mom's, we'll be on our way.

                                 WARNING: RANT AHEAD...WATCH FOR FALLING GRIPES!

My younger son is even more excited to see his brother than I am, if that's possible, and has been "Heytel"-ing with him this morning. (I guess it's like texting but you make short little recordings to send.) His voice sounds like he's either sick or sleep-deprived, which is how he rolls. It makes me sad to think of how much he's NOT taking care of  himself. I know this due to how he's looked and acted the last dew times I've seen him, and also b/c he had a short hospital stay a couple of months ago, likely because he exists on energy drinks, excessive amounts of violent video games, and very little sleep. Couple this with a congenital heart defect, and it really concerns me. (No, it's not like that. It's so far beyond the typical "hole in the heart" that I can't even explain it to you. Suffice it to say that the Dr.s literally used videos of his heart surgeries [open twice, closed once, so far] to teach at the Medical school attached to the Children's hospital. His Dr. was the HEAD of Pediatric Cardiology. I'm not sure why, but to this day it really irks me when anyone says "Oh, my ____ has heart problems too. It is a hole? Or a murmer?" I should probably talk to my counselor about it. I really want to yell NO HE HAS A REAL PROBLEM!!!! Not this mamby pamby everybody's-got-it crap!!
I'm not sure why that upsets me so much. Maybe it's the crisis junkie in me that wants to be appreciated for the EXTREME trauma we've lived through. More than once.

                                This concludes the rant. Please return to your regular reading.

Anyway, I get to see my child today! I love him with more love than I ever thought possible. Is it increased because of the precariousness of the early years? I don't know. I think I'd fight for both of my boys with equal voracity. For many years, it felt like "You and Me Against the World". I'm making a collage of pictures for him, from tiny to current, and looking through them brought up too many emotions. Really. I've been feeling a lot of regret and guilt lately, which I suspect are heightened-as all things negative-b/c of the lack of proper meds. However, they are what they are, and I know that there has always been a certain amount of these feelings, and I'm pretty sure there always will be. Damn that selective recall.
So, here's a REAL personal blog post for ya. I'm gonna grab some coffee I go hug the snot out of my eldest. I hope I don't cry too much but I really think that's asking way too much.
Happy President's Day-no, really, Happy Ben's Birthday!!!

Benjamin & Mommy, circa 1993

Taking a moment to say thanks...

It occurred to me, that I've not gotten much interaction from my "followers", and I know that if I want to see something happen, oftentimes *I* need to step up. 
So, I appreciate you!! I know that many of you have similar struggles to mine, and others have loved ones who have been or are in my shoes. I just hope that you get some useful info or encouragement from this blog. 
I've been slacking in posting personal stuff lately, b/c I'm running on about half of my usual meds, and it makes for an emotional situation... My Sweety says I'm quicker to point out the negative in any given circumstance, which I equate with sounding more like my Mom...(ugh) and that's something I DO NOT want to do.
I'd imagine that the majority of people in my position have played the "I don't really need to be taking X, Y or Z! I can handle this" game, and stopped taking the medications prescribed to them. I personally have done that several times over the years, and although it's not always been purposely (Insurance & pharmacology being what it is), it has always ended with me seeing the difference in how my kids respond to me, and realizing that I can do better for them. This last time I was med-free, I told the Big Guy that if it were just ME, I might just go w/o them, to see what happened. However, it's NOT just me, so part of my caring for my family entails finding the humility to follow directions, even MORE. 
As we are still on the edge of the insurance abyss (Do we have it? Do we not?), I'm feeling my way w/o what the Dr.s say is necessary for my peak performance. I guess I'm willing to do what they say, when I can, For the simple fact that I know it makes life easier for my kids and my sweetheart. 
Someday, who knows?
Anyway, I am so very grateful for you coming over and doing life with me. Please leave a comment so I know who you are. :)  

Stigma of Being Branded Bad Parents - HealthyPlace

Wonder if this is what Little Bit's teachers will be talking about now, since our meeting last week.

Stigma of Being Branded Bad Parents - HealthyPlace

Time for some honesty about unemployment and mental illness

This is from across the pond, but really, is it any different from your community?  I think "well, it's hard for everyone to find work", then I'm plagued by my own self-assessment: is it maybe just my perspective? Is there something I'm doing or saying that prevents me from being a candidate for work?

AM I JUST DEFECTIVE?

29 January 2013 | 10:00 AM

Jane Harris

As anyone who watched last night's Panorama will know, the current work programme is, ironically, not working for people  with mental illness. Neither did the Pathways to work programme that preceded it. Nor the New Deal for Disabled People that came before that.

Why? Because none of these programmes were honest about unemployment and mental illness. The reality is that it's a classic ''wicked problem'', with many different causes. We need to address all the causes to really solve it.

People do need individual support, training and career advice. Many mental health conditions like schizophrenia and bipolar start in people's early teens. It's not easy to fully engage in education if you're dealing with a mental health problem. So some extra training and vocational support later in life can really help.

But supporting individuals and providing training won't solve the problem on its own. People also need enough healthcare to treat both the symptoms and the causes of mental health problems. And that's just not happening - last year, the independent Schizophrenia Commission found that only a minority of people get all the treatments recommended by the health watchdog NICE.
If you left someone with diabetes without medication or dialysis, you wouldn't expect them to be able to work. But we are failing to provide both decent medication and cost-effective psychological therapies to people with mental illness and then asking them to go out and look for jobs.
Even if miraculously someone gets healthcare and appropriate vocational support, there is still the issue of employers' attitudes. It is a huge step forward that people no longer have to declare  mental health conditions on application forms, thanks to years of campaigning by Rethink Mental Illness members and staff.
But that doesn't mean that all employers understand what reasonable adjustments are in the workplace. How many employers would accept that someone needs to come in late everyday because anti-psychotics are making them drowsy in the morning? How many would let someone leave  early once a week for a CBT session?
That doesn't mean we should give up. Finding something meaningful to do with your life, paid or unpaid, is an important part of recovery. It's too important a problem for us to walk away. Sadly, as the MP Anne Begg said in last night's programme, the longer people are left without the help they need, the less likely they are to find that meaningful occupation we all deserve.
We need action on all fronts - now.
Do you want to add your voice to our campaigning? Join us today.

Check out www.bringchange2mind.org and www.nami.org for more info, closer to home. 

In between myself.

Ok, I guess we can be open, here, right? Well, ok, I'LL go first. Soon after Christmas, I ran out of antidepressants, and was unable to refill, as we had a couple more weeks until the new (YAY!) insurance was to begin coverage. SO, I think you may see where this is leading. Yeah, it's always interesting when I go to this place in me. Similarly to the last time I recall this happening, (I probably took myself off that time, but not certain) I felt like I could relate a lot to Jeremiah, who was known as "The Weeping Prophet". I'm reminded of how it's said that the life of a Prophet is a lonely one (Not a real "people pleasing" kinda gig, you know). As a person with a family that depends on me to function as much as possible, it's hard to think that God would want me to be like that all the time. Then again...? So, I'm here, in this in-between space. Not wanting to say much more b/c I'm aware of my vulnerability, moreso than usual.
Have you ever been in this place, or in a close relationship with someone who was? Please tell me more...
I asked the Big Guy if he'd be willing to do a guest-post sometime, to share what this time for me, is like for HIM. I know it's not pleasant at all. Daily life with a Woman OF A Certain AGE has to be difficult enough, right?!
AnTway, I hope you are well, warm, and fed. This Too Shall Pass.
Blessings and thanks for reading.

Mental Illness: Do Not Diagnose Yourself (pt.1)

Greetings and salutations! I've been reluctant to do any writing this past couple of weeks, primarily because I've been transitioning, and I'm not sure how lucid my thoughts are coming. Today the packet came in the mail saying that we are once again insured, and so I'm very hopeful that chemical balances will become more balanced soon.  (LOL Did you see how I did that? Totally caught it after I'd written it all. SO WITTY when somewhat....whacked.) And this morning I woke up with the eye infection trying to come back & hacking up great stuff. So, yeah, it's getting pretty REAL up in here. This too Shall Pass. Here's some good info for us to keep in mind as we go out there, today.

Mental Illness: Do Not Diagnose Yourself (pt.1)

I've gotta vent.

Ok, we live on the VERY outskirts of a pretty small town.
Intentionally, when we moved from the last place we lived, we chose the farthest place we could find and afford, from other people. It's not that we're anti-social, really. Day-to-day, the Big Guy and I, we're really pretty sociable. Our temperaments and our personalities are such that we enjoy people.
That being said, we also crave time away from others. I don't feel bad about that, since Jesus, Himself, took time apart from the world and even His disciples, occasionally. I have studied psychology and Child Development, Abnormal Behavior, and a little bit of a handful of other topics. I feel fairly familiar with the Bible, which I'm quite certain keeps me from acting out in various situations...I guess my point is, I'm not unaware of the ways that people learn, grow, and choose to react and respond to things that happen to and  around them. We all do what we think is best, given what we've been taught, and/or learned on our own. Right?
If this isn't the case, then, the only conclusion I'm willing to draw, right now, is that there are a LOT of people who are SO stupid, ignorant, and/or SELF-centered that they don't deserve to exist around the rest of life. Here's why I'm ranting: about 3 months ago, someone dumped 4 kittens outside our place. Yes, there is a barn w/in a few hundred feet, but that doesn't mean AT ALL that these tiny frightened babies are going to A, make it that far w/o getting hit by a vehicle; B, find anything to EAT there, if the do make it that far; or C, that they won't be maimed or worse by the other wilder animals that live nearby. AND, this is the 4th time in  the (less than) 2 years we've been here, that this has happened. Yesterday, ANOTHER, younger little furbaby showed up. ADORABLE. SOOOO friggin' cute.
And, just so you know, we're already over our allotted amount of feline roommates, b/c we thought the (3rd)  one was PREGNANT right before the big freeze last year, so we took her in.
The one good thing I can say at this point is that the newest baby is friendly enough that we might be able to grab it & take it to the local shelter. The last batch were already terrified of humans when the wonderful people dumped them, so we're unable to get ahold of them aside from a tiny pet while they're eating. Miraculously they've been healthy so far...but what about when they start breeding? There's a Tom cat that the neighbor lady keeps outside during the day, and he's certain to start getting with the little baby girl cats as they mature.
It breaks my hear that so much of humanity has come to the conclusion that animals are disposable. It's not surprising, of course. Human babies are completely disposable, so why would animals be treated as if they had any value?
So, I'm pissed at everyone who drops off their unwanted animals. It's not like there aren't SEVERAL animal shelters nearby. I hate stupid people. Sure, I'm stupid in my own ways, and in the past I've been VERY stupid. I understand now how people might have hated me. I just feel so powerless to do anything to right this continual wrong.

It's the End of The Year as We Know it...

...As I looked across the landscape this morning, running a couple of errands with my Sweety, it occurred to me that S.A.D. season is in full swing. Maybe that's why I've been spiralling downward...again. I'm still taking the anti-depressant as directed, anticipating an increase at the next appointment w/ my Dr., and not much else has changed in the last couple of weeks, except for being snowed in, and the skies being gray,a LOT.
Church yesterday was WONDERFUL, and God clearly has everything under control. The music was very moving; we had a special singer come in from TN, and at times I think he was a little more black than white, which of course suits me fine He even did a little "scattin'" at the end of one song. I think there was a Larry Norman tune mixed in...everyone seemed to really feel the Spirit moving.
So, the thing I'm focusing on today is CHOOSING. Whom will I serve, today? Me? or God? Looked up the verse in Joshua yesterday in church, and it occurred to me that it's part of the DAILY process for me. If I'm choosing to serve-not me-then perhaps it will be easier to ignore the emotions.
Happy 2013, my friends!
This will be the best one, yet!

Are Psychiatrists Inventing Mental Illnesses to Feed Americans More Pills? | | AlterNet

Are Psychiatrists Inventing Mental Illnesses to Feed Americans More Pills? AlterNet

Now THAT's something to think about. What do you think?

Wonderful Land

Hello, friends!
It's Wednesday, and it's really quite grey outside. I sincerely hope it's not going to remain this way throughout the winter, but experience tells me that it's likely. Thank God for vitamin D. Among other things, I seem to deal with "Seasonal Affective Disorder". I've heard of people buying a sunlamp or something like that, to combat the s.a.d., but vitamin supplements are much more within my budget.
I'm so tickled that you're here!! I'm feeling SO MUCH MORE LIKE MYSELF, since the Dr. put me on some appropriate meds. I hate depending on all that to function at my best, but I suppose it is what it is. And today, I can accomplish much, even FINISH projects-no, really, I CAN! 
I've been creating coiled-paper crosses for Christmas presents, and yesterday for a change of pace, I fashioned a couple of little ornament/tags...I guess I'll have to get a picture & show you. I'm not entirely sure of my crafting abilities, but as logn as I keep in mind that PERFECTION is just NOT necessary-nor is it going to HAPPEN, EVER-I tend to do alright. 
I just remembered that I want to post a link here on fb. I'm hoping to get back to the library tomorrow and if I do, there will be pictures for you to admire (or scoff at, whichever you prefer). ;)
In the next week or so, I plan on getting a lot more things on here to look at and interact with; suggestions? 
ttfn!

P.S. Here's the little snowman thingy...kinda cute, huh?