"Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly." -Albert Einstein

Monday, February 18, 2013

Taking a kind of inventory

Hiya! I've been up since 7 am this morning, which is unusual for someone who loves sleep as much as I. Why? you may ask. Well, I woke up early this morning because we are going to go to the FARRRRR North side today, to see my eldest son on his 20th birthday. I woke up feeling like it was Christmas, because (I assume) it's been forever since I've seen him.
My Mom asked me to stop by her place on the way up, to get some things she wants him to have (food, primarily, I'm betting), so after Walmart & Mom's, we'll be on our way.

                                 WARNING: RANT AHEAD...WATCH FOR FALLING GRIPES!

My younger son is even more excited to see his brother than I am, if that's possible, and has been "Heytel"-ing with him this morning. (I guess it's like texting but you make short little recordings to send.) His voice sounds like he's either sick or sleep-deprived, which is how he rolls. It makes me sad to think of how much he's NOT taking care of  himself. I know this due to how he's looked and acted the last dew times I've seen him, and also b/c he had a short hospital stay a couple of months ago, likely because he exists on energy drinks, excessive amounts of violent video games, and very little sleep. Couple this with a congenital heart defect, and it really concerns me. (No, it's not like that. It's so far beyond the typical "hole in the heart" that I can't even explain it to you. Suffice it to say that the Dr.s literally used videos of his heart surgeries [open twice, closed once, so far] to teach at the Medical school attached to the Children's hospital. His Dr. was the HEAD of Pediatric Cardiology. I'm not sure why, but to this day it really irks me when anyone says "Oh, my ____ has heart problems too. It is a hole? Or a murmer?" I should probably talk to my counselor about it. I really want to yell NO HE HAS A REAL PROBLEM!!!! Not this mamby pamby everybody's-got-it crap!!
I'm not sure why that upsets me so much. Maybe it's the crisis junkie in me that wants to be appreciated for the EXTREME trauma we've lived through. More than once.

                                This concludes the rant. Please return to your regular reading.

Anyway, I get to see my child today! I love him with more love than I ever thought possible. Is it increased because of the precariousness of the early years? I don't know. I think I'd fight for both of my boys with equal voracity. For many years, it felt like "You and Me Against the World". I'm making a collage of pictures for him, from tiny to current, and looking through them brought up too many emotions. Really. I've been feeling a lot of regret and guilt lately, which I suspect are heightened-as all things negative-b/c of the lack of proper meds. However, they are what they are, and I know that there has always been a certain amount of these feelings, and I'm pretty sure there always will be. Damn that selective recall.
So, here's a REAL personal blog post for ya. I'm gonna grab some coffee I go hug the snot out of my eldest. I hope I don't cry too much but I really think that's asking way too much.
Happy President's Day-no, really, Happy Ben's Birthday!!!

Benjamin & Mommy, circa 1993