We grow... better, or bitter?

The choice really is ours. Knowing how easily I could be bitter about the past is a great thing: it absolutely sends me back running to my Lord for another scoop. Scoop of what, you ask?
A scoop of grace, a heaping scoop of forgiveness,  a pitcher of love...and gratitude-about a gallon, daily- for reminders of what I will become if I'm not DILLIGENTLY on guard against the flood of negativity we all face every day.
I need all those things and more, in practicing love and acceptance with the people in my life.
Thank the Lord for a BETTER perspective today. And for making my little porch garden grow. :)

Looking to a brighter day...

I've got company for a few days, but I was thinking of you. :) You are loved & God's ear is inclined to your calling. 

Forgiveness

As I sat listening to the man talking about it this weekend, it occurred to me that I had some forgiveness I needed to take care of.
It's been rather heavy on my mind, for a while, now: my sins as a Mother. I know that for whatever reasons,  most of the time since becoming a parent, I haven't felt like one. I've had times, of course, where I've felt overwhelmingly that I was a Mother. Good times & scary times.
So it dawned on me this weekend, as I sat listening to this man, that what I long for, deeply within, is forgiveness from my children. The next thought was that I had to forgive my own Mom.
As much as she's done for me -for us- I couldn't deny that there was still bitterness in my heart. I guess it's been there for so long that it'd become invisible to me.
The fact is, the feelings of love I have for her are so clouded with hurt and resentment that it colors all of my interactions with her.
I know that way back when I last did a 4th step, I'd addressed those things. However, I'd allowed those things to subtly creep back into my mind, my heart, and my relationship with not only Mom, but others in my life, as well.
I apologized to my husband and my boy as soon as I could. The resentments were poison that I was unintentionally spewing out onto them.
Admitting there was a problem was just the beginning. Now it's going to be my job to show the change in my heart...through loving. Loving Mom and respecting her with ny words and my actions.
How much closer can I really hope to get to God, until this sin has been dealt with? Yes, I said it. It's sin. It makes me crazy. Two really great reasons to get rid of it.
So, this is what I'll be working on, inside.
Have a blessed week, ok? :)

May is mental health awareness month!

Were you aware?

Slooowwww Moooo...

Lately, I’ve been in slow-mo, as far as my blogs, especially. I think of them often, but haven’t made time for tending, much.

In 2 days, I get to (finally) go have some tests run to see (I guess) if there are any indications of permanent damage or possibly additional strokes in my future. Yeah, it’s kind of surreal to think of, but a little over a month ago, on March 20th, I had a stroke. A small one, to be sure, but nonetheless, the Dr. who knows these things, said that’s what it was. 

(Sorry if I've already told you this part.)

I woke up at about 3:30 and noticed that I was slobbering in my sleep. I wiped my mouth & laid on my other side & dozed off again…When I woke up a few minutes later, I realized that “apparently” my left arm was asleep, in addition to the left side of my mouth feeling like I’d had dental work done: numb, slobbery, and droopy. I thought “the Big Guy must’ve accidentally smacked me while we were sleeping?” No, it’s never happened before, but THAT had also never happened, so go figure. 

After checking it out in the bathroom mirror, I determined that this was something that would require waking up the Hubster, and possibly a trip to the E.R. 

This is probably as good a time as any to mention that, like more Americans than you might think, we have no insurance. This does make me think long and hard about any medical needs, as I am loathe to rack up bills that there’s little to no chance that will get paid. Hand-to-mouth doesn’t really leave much for other expenditures. 

Anyway, there is a free Medical clinic nearby and thank God they’re going to help us. Friday I’ll be spending the majority of the day being tested. MRI, EKG, Dopplar-something, and one more. The Dr. said that taking Omega-3 supplements is a GOOD thing.

After a little more than a month, I am grateful to tell you that my symptoms have just about 98% gone away. The mouth was better by the time we left the E.R. that morning, and I’ve been working with the fingers (Yeah, I’m left-handed, of course! lol) of my left hand and all but the last 2 are back to good. If I’m slow and very careful, I can write my name again, but typing is a slllooooowwwwww affair. That’s why I’ve been silent on my blogs, for the most part.

The other part of the recovery process is the mental and emotional part. I almost didn’t mention that, but in all honesty, it’s been as much of a struggle as the physical. I looked up everything I could find on strokes, right away, and there are definite things that happen as a result of having had a stroke. Depression was noticeably increased, and there is a lingering feeling of confusion…if you’ve ever watched Boston Legal, you’ll get this: word salad. A. Lot. <sigh.> But it’s getting better. 

I’m grateful that I’ve been walking with my God for long enough to know that He’s got this. Yes, it was scary, and I’m not at ALL interested in having it happen again, but I’ve had the peace that passes understanding through it all. 

My church family have prayed for me/us, and I’ve been stretching and working the muscles on my left hand & arm, as much as I know how to…In another couple of months, there will be no sign of it ever having  happened. 

Good thing, cos I’ve got LOTSA stuff to do, yet. 

So, what’s new with you?