Survival Mode and an Alternate View of Narcissism By Darlene Ouimet

I stumbled upon an amazing blog today, and thought this was some great info related to a previous post here...

by the light of the truth they will hang themselves

“Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others”. ~ The Mayo Clinic

I would like to add that people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves LESS than they value others either.

I was not drawn to this quote because it helped me to understand narcissism or narcissistic behaviour but because it reminded me of how much I was willing to see myself as ‘the problem’ when I first began the healing process that I write about here in ‘emerging from broken’.  So many ‘victims’ of dysfunctional family systems or any type of abusive or one sided relationship see themselves as the one who might be the narcissist.  Narcissistic people groom their victims to always look at themselves and make every effort to avoid letting anyone look more closely at them.  They make sure the flashlight of self-examination is always firmly on the victim both from the view of the narcissist, AND from the view of the victim.

And because of this abuse tactic and grooming style, very often it is narcissists who accuse other people of ‘being’ narcissistic. As always there is a way to sort out the truth from the false in this. As you read, keep in mind that narcissistic people or abusers rarely ask themselves if they are the problem.  There are several key differences between victims and abusers. (I am aware that some are both victims AND abusers; victims to the people who are in control of them and abusers to the people that they control but that is a topic for another day.)

It is easy to groom children to regard the adult with reverence. And if that child grows up in the belief system that the child is always the one at fault, it is easy for any other adult to step in and continue inflicting this insistence upon ‘reverence’ on this now grown up child.  Children don’t just reach a certain age and suddenly the blinders fall off. If no one ever empowers the child to realize that their worth is equal to all others, the child (adult child) will never come to realize it. If the false belief remains operating as ‘truth’, then the adult child will continue to believe dysfunctional relationships are ‘normal’.  

This quote highlights the concept of understanding ‘equal value’.  

My survival mode was all about examining my motives and checking to see where I had been at fault, what I could have done better and why the whole problem must have somehow been caused by me. I was willing to believe that I was self-centered when someone called me self-centered and then I was willing to try harder to change that ‘problem’ about myself. I was willing to accept that I was being selfish when I was accused of being selfish and make the necessary adjustment because that is the way I learned to ‘survive’ when I was a kid and I never learned any other way to be.  When I was accused of being ‘narcissistic’ I examined that too. I had come to see ‘everyone’ as having MORE value than I did.  And if ‘they’ were more valuable then they must be right.

I made survival decisions in a world where I believe that the only way that I could ever be safe was to adjust myself to the demands of the adults who were responsible for my food, shelter and clothing. As I got older that belief didn’t change when people who I saw as being more important than me or as having more power than me demanded the same type of compliance from me. When I became an adult I saw and reacted to the world through the same ‘it must be me’ grid that I saw it through in my childhood survival mode and I made survival decisions based on the same understanding that I always had. There was no truth OR equal value when it came to me, in this (false) understanding of how relationship works. 

Finally understanding what equal value is, was the most freeing and important concept that I learned in the process of emotional healing.  I was never treated or regarded with equal value and therefore I had never considered that I actually had it or even that it was an option ‘for me’.  I had to change this false belief. I found out how to repair my self-esteem and take my value back by finding out where and how it got broken and falsely defined as ‘less than,’ in the first place.  I had to see the truth about who the abuser actually was and what false messages that I had been given and that I accepted as the truth.

Looking at how I had come to ‘learn’ to always look at adjusting myself and my behaviour and the way that I related to others and seeing how much of it was about my childhood survival mode helped me to see the truth about equal value and that although I had never been treated as though I had it, that didn’t mean that I didn’t have it.

Everybody has equal value. We are all born with equal value. It is what happens after that that will determine the way we view ourselves.

 “Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others”. ~ The Mayo Clinic

I would like to add that people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves LESS than they value others either.

The purpose of this website, ‘Emerging from Broken’ is to restore self-esteem and the knowledge of ‘equal value’ by understanding where it went missing, was not communicated or was never set in place in the beginning.

Please share your thoughts about how you put your difficulties through the grid of self-blame, how narcissistic or people in a higher power position than you were made you think it was always ‘you’  or anything else this article caused you to realize or react to. Please feel free to use any name you wish in the comment form. (The URL line is optional and is meant for people who wish to share their own website.)

There is freedom on the other side of broken;

Darlene Ouimet

Telling my huband about letting go of 1 thing so God can put something else in the hand. I didn't realize He was telling ME to let go...of a dream...\o/

How do *I* know how to help someone else?

The "shut up and listen" approach is the one that works. Never has a successful corporation been begun and sustained by ONE person. It takes a village...kinda

Help a brother (or sister) out

Bread Crumbs and Grace

“I’ve found that even during those times when the path is darkest, He leaves little bits of evidence all along the way- bread crumbs of grace- that can give me what I need to take the next step.” –Mary Beth Chapman

20 years + 1 day

Hi, friends. Today we're recovering from an over-abundance of great cooking and good family time. Thanksgiving yesterday was a nice time, with my boys (BOTH, for a short time!), my wonderful husband, my Mom, brother & his family, my s-i-l's sister, and some friends of my brother's. All were very good to see and hang out with for a minute. Today before heading back home, we all walked around a local tourist spot, which is FULL of crafter's wares : P ', and had a good pizza at one of the local beer & pizza spots.
Today when we arrived back at home, the hubster & I agreed that we're just not good at being out of our own space for very long (more than a day or 2) periods. I suspect that to a certain degree, it's about the "family dynamics", although there was no real notice-able tension, it's the only reason I can think of as to why we always feel so drained. It's not just about time with my family, it's about the same with his, and they're the least stressful people I've probably ever gotten to spend time with! So, yeah, it's gotta be US, not them.
I trust that your Thanksgiving was a good one. Regardless of where we are, what we do or don't have to eat, and any other variables you add or remove from the mix, I'm grateful. We all have pretty good health, all of our needs are provided for, and usually we're allowed to have luxuries that we certainly don't deserve.

So, how was your day?
P.S. I was looking for a fitting picture, and, well, let's just say this one is our family as much as any I found. LOL

Questions Wounded Wives Ask

 I've been looking thru some of the blogs I've liked in the past, and haven't gotten to in TOO long. This one is a valuable resource for women who have been betrayed, and women who want to avoid being betrayed in relationships. 

Renee, you’ve been telling us about the WIFEBOAT Online Support Group you’re starting on August 25th.  What sort of topics will you cover in this program?The WIFEBOAT Online Support Group will be 2 hours a week for 12 weeks.  After we take some time to share our stories, each session will have a short teaching on subjects relevant to their recovery–boundaries, wounded femininity, children and family issues–then we’ll have a group discussion on how this issue is affecting each one. I even have a special guest facilitator planned–my husband Joe will be on hand for a session to give the women a man’s perspective on all of this.

You mentioned “Boundaries” as one of the topics you’ll be teaching on.  What are boundaries, and why do they matter?Boundaries are important because they define what we will allow and what we won’t allow.  Boundaries are for correcting an attitude or action of disrespect and are used to protect us from any future wounding.  When someone violates boundaries by breaking a marriage covenant with sexual sin, it’s like they’ve stolen something from you.  So, in order to correct that and begin restoring trust (part of what was stolen) in the marriage, boundaries have to be communicated and respected.

What sort of emotions do these women go through?The women usually report feeling like the bottom has completely dropped out of their lives.  Life as they knew it is gone, and they feel lost. They feel angry, everything about their identity is challenged–their identity as a wife, their identity in their family, in the community, even their sexuality–is challenged. A lot of women report physical pain (stomach ache, headaches), emotional pain (depression, can’t stop crying); they go through some serious trust and anger issues, and experience symptoms of grief.

How hard is it for them to finally forgive their husbands?I think most wives who are wounded by their husband’s sexual sin want to forgive their husbands, but most struggle with how and when.  An important distinction is the difference between forgiveness and trust.  Forgiveness can be given–by God’s grace He enables us to do that–but trust has to be earned.  Depending on the husband’s attitude about what he’s done, his wife may be able to trust again as he shows consistency in his own recovery over a period of  time.  But forgiveness is a process too — of facing what’s been done to us and giving it up to God as a fragrant offering.

Can a marriage ever really be healed after a husband has committed adultery or used pornography?First let me say that the process of restoring a marriage damaged by sexual sin isn’t for cowards.  Sometimes, despite the best efforts of one partner or the other, the marriage doesn’t survive.  But yes, marriages have been healed and many times are better than they were before.  When a couple walks through this process right, then they will probably be communicating better, respecting each other better and will have grown in their faith.  Sometimes the rebuilt broken bond is stronger than the original one.  But don’t get me wrong, it’s a process that demands committment and maturity on the part of both partners.

So there’s hope?There’s always hope… because ultimately our hope isn’t in our own abilities or efforts.  Our hope is in God, who gives us the grace we need to perservere and who has the ability to bring depth and meaning to the things we go through in our lives.  We never have to be ashamed when we put our hope in Him! He is near to those who come to Him in truth and with a humble heart.-R

Share this:

Hope...

If you Google "Will of God" you may find this:

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

Outrage: Child sex encouraged by Planned Parenthood

I wish I could say this was unbelievable, but I really don't think anyone who's been paying attention can honestly say this is a shock. Since this blog is about insanity in it's various forms, I wanted to share this with you...God, help us.
Wow.

 November 14th, 2012 |  Author: The Meister

Since the Nov. 6 election, many have concluded that America is changing from a “center-right” Judeo-Christian country into a welfare-entitlement society that will elect a supremely deceitful demagogue as long as he promises “free stuff” for everyone.

They’re right. But there’s something else America is evolving into – something even more alarming – and several recent WND reports bring this new trend into sharp focus.

Kupelian explains why evil is growing so rapidly in”How Evil Works.”
In a campaign disturbingly close to advocacy of child sex, the International Planned Parenthood Foundation, which advocates “sexual rights” for all, has created a “young people’s guide” in conjunction with its official declaration urging recognition of the “evolving capacities” for “sexual pleasure” in all children and young people.

The organization, headquartered in London, has posted online a document titled “Exclaim! Young People’s Guide to ‘Sexual Rights: An IPPF declaration,” which proclaims that “sexual rights” for youth must be guaranteed, so that “all young people around the world [will] be able to explore, experience and express their sexualities in healthy, positive, pleasurable and safe ways.”

Just as controversial, it also advances as a fundamental goal the “removal of parental involvement or spousal consent laws that prevent young people from seeking sexual and reproductive health services.”

* At Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., a grown man is allowed to get completely naked and change into his swimwear right alongside a girls’ swim team.

“Little girls should not be exposed to naked men, period,” said David Hacker, a senior legal counsel for the Alliance Defending Freedom, which is demanding that Evergreen officials .

And that’s why the public interest law firm is calling on Evergreen officials to do something to make their campus safe after details of its bizarre “nondiscrimination” policy emerged.

“Most of these students are minors, and range from ages 6 to 18,” said ADF attorneys. “On several occasions recently, the children saw a naked man in the women’s locker room sauna who was displaying his male genitalia. The children saw him through the sauna’s glass door, which allowed him a plain view of the young girls while they were changing. The children notified their swim coach, who called police.”

“The idea that the college and the local district attorney will not act to protect young girls is appalling. What Americans are seeing here is the poisoned fruit of so-called ‘nondiscrimination’ laws and policies. Placing this man’s proclivities ahead of protecting little girls is beyond acceptable.”

* When you combine such disturbing stories – and there are many more like them – with another recent WND report on a coalition of United Nations groups that, under the pretext of “AIDS prevention,” is pushing to criminalize “homophobia,” a pattern emerges: The sexual anarchy of the “gay rights movement” is morphing and expanding to the point that the very innocence of children is now endangered.

Also also available as an audiobook on four CDs What has happened to America? How has it been so rapidly transformed from a moral, center-right, Judeo-Christian culture into one of ever-increasing immorality and outright debauchery?

One author who, more than almost any other, has awakened Americans to exactly what is being done to them is David Kupelian, bestselling author of “The Marketing of Evil.

 Posted in America's Future, Corruption |  Tags: Child Sex, planned parenthood

Some thinks to ponder...

quotes for the day

Hands that help are holier than lips that pray.
- Sai Baba

Imagination is the highest kite one can fly.
- Lauren Bacall

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
- Richard Bach

One must always maintain one's connection to the past and yet ceaselessly pull away from it.
- Gaston Bachelard

 You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.
- Joan Baez

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

There is a way to look at the past. Don't hide from it. It will not catch you - if you don't repeat it.
- Pearl Bailey

There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now.
- James Baldwin

I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.
- Lucille Ball

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
- Tallulah Bankhead

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
- Carl Bard

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.
- James M. Barrie

Love thy neighbor as thy self, but choose thy neighborhood.
- Louise Beal

Relationships With Abusive Narcissists - HealthyPlace

Here's an interesting article that adds to some researching of late. Until I read things like this, I never realised that people like this had come through my own life....so sad.
 Let the reader be warned.
Relationships With Abusive Narcissists - HealthyPlace

So many "experts" so little time to smack them all...

Under the Influence of Drugs – I Can Think Just Fine

I’m on Twitter. Not a surprise there. And I have a pretty active following there. Most of the people are fans, but a few aren’t. A few quite disagree with me and what I have to say. Which is fine. People can have their views.

And recently, I was tweeting along, minding my own business when someone said this to me:

and have you been on antidepressant, mind altering drugs all these years. Making choices while under the influence

My first reflex was to reply,

and have you been making choices all this time while being an ignorant, sanctimonious ass?

Sigh.

But I’ve heard through the grapevine that wouldn’t be professional. So I said nothing. If Mr. Twitter wants to judge me for taking medically prescribed medication, that’s his right. Even if it is a small-minded, uncompassionate, hateful thing to do.

And really, I have snarky answers for many of the asinine comments people make to me. However, I don’t tend to share them as it makes people all pissy. That being said, this particular comment hit a sore spot – being under the influence of brain-bending medications.

Seeing the World through an Antidepressant Haze

The first drug I ever took was an antidepressant and I can tell you,I was terrified. I didn’t want to do it. Not at all. But I was desperate and on the verge of suicide so I chose to try anantidepressant.

And one of my biggest fears was of not knowing what “reality” was anymore. My fear was that I would never again be able to think like “me” and I would only ever be able to think like the drug, like an alcoholic or other drug addict does. I thought I would be just like them.

Drugs and Hazy Thoughts

And certainly, there have been many times when my thoughts were tainted with drugs. But I can say, without a doubt, that when you compare bipolar tainting my thoughts versus medication tainting my thoughts the bipolar is far more pervasive and destructive. I’m not a drug addict or anything like it. My tainted-thought worry was just my fear talking. (And reasonably so.)

This Is Your Brain on Drugs

And now I can honestly say, after being on almost every medication known to, well, me, that medication does not drown out or taint your thoughts when properly used. Yes, there is certainly a period of adjustment when you take a drug and you might feel “slow and stupid” during that time. And certainly, if it isn’t the right drug or the right dose for you, that feeling might continue. But this still does not change your thoughts, per se, and this is merely a side effect that can typically be resolved with medication adjustment.

In all, Mr. Twitter is simply using a scare tactic based on misinformation to make me feel bad about myself and my ability to think. But I will not feel bad and my ability to think runs circles around most people, thanks.  Yes, Mr. Twitter found my sore spot, but he, and my fears, can’t bruise me if I don’t let them. I have reality backing me and it’s more powerful than fear.

http://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/under-influence-drugs-can-think-fine/

The Rules of Being Human

1.  You will receive a body. 

     You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours the entire period.



2. You will learn lessons. 

     You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.



3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

     Growth is a process of trial and error: experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."



4.  A lesson is repeated until learned. 

      A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson. 



5.   Learning lessons does not end. 

      There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.



6. "There" is no better than "here." 

      When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."



7.  Others are merely mirrors of you. 


     You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.



8.  What you make of your life is up to you. 

     You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.



9.   Life is exactly what you think it is. 

      You create a life that matches your beliefs and expectations.



10.    Your answers lie inside you. 

          The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.



11.   You will forget all this.


12.   You can remember it whenever you want.  
  

  
--created by Dr. Cherie Scott


Just a little something to think about on this post-election morning.

SUPPORT & PROGRAMS from NAMI

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Learn more about the full spectrum of programs and services that NAMI provides across the country for people whose lives have been affected by serious mental illness.
Find the support you need:

• Center for Excellence
  The NAMI Center for Excellence team works to provide NAMI State Organizations and NAMI Affiliates with the the technical assistance, resources and tools they need to build organizational capacity and achieve the goals of the NAMI Standards of Excellence.

• State and Local NAMIs
  NAMI's 1,200 affiliate organizations provide local services, support and other opportunities for consumers and their families.
  
• Education, Training and Peer Support Center
  NAMI offers an array of education and training programs and services for consumers, family members, providers and the general public. These include Family-to-Family, Peer-to-Peer, NAMI Support Group, In Our Own Voice and more.
  
• Consumer Support
  NAMI empowers and educates mental health consumers to address their issues around care, treatment, services, mutual support and consumer rights.
  
• Child and Adolescent Action Center
  Families know all too well that the system is failing children and adolescents with mental illnesses. NAMI created the Child & Adolescent Action Center in response to this crisis, to focus attention on systems reform and to help and support families.
  
• NAMI on Campus
  NAMI on Campus is a network of student-led mental health awareness, education, and advocacy groups tailored to the needs of individual college communities.
  
• Multicultural Action Center
  The Multicultural Action Center focuses attention on system reform to eliminate disparities in mental health care for diverse communities and cultural competence in treatment and support for all who are affected by serious mental illness.
  
• NAMI Legal Center
  The NAMI Legal Center provides lawyer referrals as a service to our members and the general public.
  
• Veterans & Military Resource Center
  NAMI is proud to provide the following resources for veterans and active duty military members, as well as their families, friends, and advocates.
  
• Missing Persons Support
  Resources and support for locating missing persons with mental illness.
  
• For Providers
  To help mental health professionals assist consumers and families further, NAMI has created this section of the NAMI Web site especially for you.
  
• Information Helpline
  Trained volunteers provide information, referrals, and support to all who have questions about or are affected by serious mental illness. Call 1-800-950-NAMI.

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Join NAMI today!

When you become a member of NAMI, you become part of America's largest grassroots organization dedicated to improving the lives of persons living with serious mental illness. And now you can join online.

When Jesus is all that I have, He's all that I need.
: )

FaithNet NAMI | Home

FaithNet NAMI | Home

What Churches Can Do to Help

By Jerry Fulenwider, NAMI San Antonio

A recent survey conducted by Baylor University of 6,000 church members of several denominations found only about 27 percent of people with mental illness and their families attend church. One of the reasons cited by not attending: they do not feel welcome. Churches across the country could do a lot more to help people with mental illness and their families feel welcomed and supported.

The first step in this process of welcoming and supporting individuals and families living with mental illness is training the clergy, pastoral care staff and interested laity about mental illness and its impact on the whole family. Pathways to Understanding: A Manual on Ministry & Mental Illness, published by Pathways to Promise, is perfect for this effort. This initiative can be implemented by NAMI members who would like to see their faith community become more welcoming and supportive to their members affected by mental illness. In addition, NAMI FaithNet offers slide presentations, scripts and tools to support outreach success.

Since 2006, the Episcopal Diocese of West Texas has allowed NAMI San Antonio members to provide formal, five to six hours of training programs. We have done this in a series of three sessions in separate locations where we trained a total of 20 parishes in this Episcopal Diocese. As a result, the Bishop initiated the Mental Illness Ministries in the Department of Christian Faith in Action, appointed me chair of the committee and gave me carte blanche in getting support groups and ministries established.

This has been a slow process but a good beginning. A ministry will be starting soon in the historic downtown district at one of the oldest churches in San Antonio. Another NAMI volunteer and I provided training for 8o members of their Sunday school class. This will make three mental illness ministries in the Episcopal Diocese, so far. In addition, the Diocese has a bimonthly newsletter to its 90 Parishes including announcements about some aspect of the local NAMI programs pertinent to these faith based initiatives.

St. George Episcopal Church, where I attend, has a family support group, which I started in 2007 and continue to facilitate. It meets the second Wednesday of every month. For best results, we have found that a NAMI member needs to initiate and push this idea to their church or it won’t happen. We have a weekly electronic newsletter that carries a reminder of the meeting date and time, and any other information pertinent to the group meeting.

The local media helps publicize these efforts by doing frequent announcements from press releases that I and others send them. Including the three Episcopal mental health ministries, there are 12 faith based ministries/support groups in San Antonio, with more forming all the time, thanks to many NAMI advocate volunteers.

Other faith communities can also expand their efforts to be more welcoming of individuals with mental illness and their families. They can do this by offering their facilities for support groups which connect people living with these dreadful illnesses, help them cope with how they feel and find out how others deal with the same challenges. A little effort goes a long way. And maybe the next time Baylor University conducts its study, more people will report of the comfort they receive from their faith home.

"I'm insane, not crazy!"

I've had an interesting couple of days. For just a minute, there, I forgot that other people's opinions of me really don't add up to a hill of beans. Nope. Not even a funky, moldy, re-fried, shit-mixed hill of beans, to me. Why is it, that sometimes people carry themselves as if they are knowledgeable in a certain area, and when I pick up this vibe from them, I subconsciously act as if I believe it? EVEN though I can show and tell you MYRIAD examples of how I know the people in question are absolutely POSERS, and just riding on the IGNORANCE of those around them, I notice that I'm concerned enough that my own ego doesn't reincarnate itself, that I allow them to appear significantly superior...
I don't know. Today I'm in a good space. I've gotten to hang with a couple of good girlfriends for the last couple of days, and a chat with someone I truly respect has given me an added impetus to keep on keepin' on. Oh, and I don't have to go see the Dr. for (THAT) for another year.
YAYYYYY!!!
Blessing, my homies.